The Politically Savvy's Guide to Comic Book Terminology

We are deep into election season, so I believe we all deserve to take a break from the headlines and turn to the funny pages--because Saturday, September 24th is National Comic Book Day.

If you'd like to be an informed participant of this hyperbolic holiday, here are some terms you should know to properly pass in your local comic store while still staying political active:

Krypton: Superman’s home planet. This means the Man of Steel is yet another illegal immigrant fighting for truth, justice and the Make America Great Again Way.

Latveria: A fictional Marvel country ruled with an iron fist by Dr. Doom. It may be a dictatorship lorded over by a maniacal sorcerer, but conservatives will be happy to know that no one takes a knee during the national anthem.

Shipping: The act of rooting for two characters to finally hook up. See: Green Arrow and Black Canary; Betty and Veronica; Donald and Ivanka Trump.

Skrull: A shape-shifting alien race from the Marvel universe that can change physical form to whatever their heart desires; often defeated when trying to use the restroom in North Carolina.

Oa: The origin planet for the Guardians and the Green Lantern Corps. It’s everything America wants to be because it sits at the center of the galaxy and polices the entire cosmos.

Purple Healing Ray: On Wonder Woman’s all-female home island of Themyscaria, they use a devise that heals any wound after a few minutes of exposure--because that’s the kind of coverage you get when there are no men controlling your healthcare system.

Inhumans: When the Kree alien species experimented with ancient humans, they created a race of gifted people--like popular Middle Eastern hero Ms. Marvel--who developed amazing powers after being exposed to a special mist. So if you hear someone refer to Muslims as “inhumans,” they’re probably just nerding out over inclusive comics.

The Phantom Zone: An alternate dimension where Kryptonians send their prisoners. Captives can not be seen, heard or noticed by the rest of society…so basically it’s like the American prison system.

Pym Particles: A scientific discovery that allows heroes like Antman and Wasp to change size. Inventor Hank Pym used them to shrink so small that his spousal abuse charges vanished--which turns out to also be the size of an NFL superstar.

Elseworlds/Imaginary Stories: Tales that take place outside of main DC continuity, so they didn’t really happen. Unlike mainstream DC comics, which are absolutely true. Example: The 90s run of Doctor Mid-Nite was taken verbatim from Brian Williams’ war journal.

Anti-Life Equation: In the DC universe, the opposite of life is not death. It's actually Anti-Life, the inability to make your own choices or act on your own morality. The Anti-Life Equation is sought after by the villainous Darkseid and is also currently being used as the Wells Fargo employee training manual.

Graphic Novel: What you call "comic books" if you’re tired of being called a child and want to appear smarter than you are. See also: What I call comic books.

Justice: In the world of comic books, heroes carry shields instead of guns, villains are punished for their abuse of power, and the innocent can look to icons of morality for guidance and protection. It’s pretty unrealistic, but it’s fun for kids.

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C.J. Tuor is currently at sea performing with Second City Theatricals.