LeBron James Endorsed Hillary Clinton, and the Cleveland Browns Have a Rebuttal

By the Cleveland Browns

When we read that LeBron James endorsed Hillary Clinton this week, we were disappointed, but far from shocked. After all, what would you expect from a man who calls President Obama a “close friend”? The American people don’t need to hear about leadership from some three-time NBA champion, four-time league MVP and two-time Olympic gold medal winning athlete.

They need real talk from an impartial source like us, a team who has never even been so much as invited to the White House. That’s why we, the Cleveland Browns, are issuing this rebuttal and endorsing Donald Trump for president.

Is he a perfect candidate? No. Is his persistent racism and xenophobia problematic? Sure. But let’s be honest: this election is all about picking the turd that smells the least like poop and pretending it’s a mason jar full of peonies. Hillary Clinton is no angel--by comparison, she makes Bill Belichick look indifferent to the concept of winning. And those pantsuits? Look, you either make the uniform fully modern...or you go full throwback. You can’t have your J. Jill and wear it, too.

Donald Trump is also a great supporter of Cleveland sports, such as when he offered to buy the Cleveland Indians in 1983 so he could move them to Tampa or some other pansy city where the sun shines more than twice a year. Sure, that would have meant that the present-day Tribe wouldn’t currently be storming toward the World Series, but that might be for the best.

Cleveland’s downtown was not designed for multiple championships. Another celebratory parade could leave the whole city infrastructure in a perilous shambles. Donald Trump had the wise foresight to try to avoid that. LeBron and his teammates instead chose to selfishly parade through downtown for over 96 straight hours this summer. That’s pretty reckless. You’ll never see us parading through downtown Cleveland.

Or how about when Trump was shut out of purchasing multiple NFL teams and ended up as the owner of the USFL’s team The New Jersey Generals, also in 1983? (Like us, Trump sort of peaked in the mid-80s.) He had the guts to move the league schedule to the fall despite the NFL’s exclusive TV deals with the networks--sue the NFL, and almost single-handedly bring down the whole fledgling league. That’s the kind of decisive leadership we need: the kind that thinks outside of the box, and then is willing to light the box on fire and throw it in a Long John Silver’s dumpster full of used cooking oil.

We’re tired of business as usual in Washington. Let’s get back to those big ideas and spectacular flame-outs. Because sure, he might throw away a 20-point lead, but he had a memorable couple of plays in the first half, and that’s what people ultimately remember, we think.

Speaking of, why are people so obsessed with who “wins” this election after all? They’re both out there competing, and that’s what counts. Wins are a vanity metric. Try convincing a chronic winner like LeBron of that.

Here’s all you need to know, Cleveland. LeBron may be close friends with establishment leaders like President Obama, but Trump was close friends with Art Modell, as evidenced by this video of them hugging. And no one is more loved in Cleveland than Art Modell. Well, at least, we think so. We hear people muttering his name a lot around the stadium. We’re all like 23 years old, so we’re not honestly sure who Art Modell is. To be perfectly honest, we were originally hoping to end up in San Diego, but we were all drafted here...even though Cleveland could have had Carson Wentz for some reason…? Like politics, it’s all impossible to understand.

So this fall, we’ll be casting our votes for Donald Trump, even after all hope of victory has long since faded with weeks left to go in the election season. Because as our loyal fans understand, you don’t pick your favorites based on if they’re ever, ever, ever going to win.

Ever.

You choose based on how much you loathe yourself and fear the future. LeBron will never understand this as he stares into his overflow trophy room, penning early drafts of his Hall of Fame speech. But we do. And that’s why we, a team whose collective Pottermore patronus is a sloth who has been legally declared clinically dead, endorse Donald Trump for President. Because no, we can’t. So stop filling our head with dreams.