Stress-Eat Your Way Through the Rest of This Election Madness

I’ll never forget the night of 2016’s first presidential debate: Trump looked resplendent in blue (and orange), Hillary ravished in red, and I ate an entire block of yellow cheese.

It’s impossible to get through these major campaign milestones without copious amounts of food to numb the pain of this political insanity. We’ve still got a few weeks left before Election Day, so if you’re running out of stress-eating menu ideas, these should keep you satiated.

Cheetos Chicken Fries

In a United States that no longer makes sense, nothing tastes more like “the new normal” than Burger King’s latest and greatest. They’re orange, filled with a ton of nastiness, and totally unqualified to be consumed by the public. They’re actual advertising tagline is, “Chicken Inside, Dangerously Cheesy Outside.”

Eat these when you can only be satiated by pretending to masticate Donald Trump in fast food form.

A hot, steaming bowl of something made from organ meat

Trips, chitterlings, foie gras, paté, haggis...it doesn’t matter. Make sure it’s made from the entrails of a lesser beast, and eat it with gusto. Pretend you are Hillary Clinton, absorbing the energy of each soul you consume. Fill your belly with all that power, but be careful. It might make you a little drunk.

Don’t forget a breath mint after--bad breath isn’t ladylike.

An organic salad, drizzled with a vinaigrette made of metathesiophobia and your tears

“Metathesiophobia” is the fear of change. Your tears are the wet things that emanate from your eyeballs every time you think about an Obama-less White House, and the bitterest pill to swallow is that Michelle and her love of vegetables are going to that great big garden in the sky--literally. I heard she’s starting her own planet where people don’t only eat salad to feel superior to those who ordered the burger with four fried eggs and a pint of Milk Duds on top.  

Mexican food

None of us would be able to live without Mexican food. It makes life happier, hangovers more manageable, and brunch a bit more savory. Without this cuisine, we’d all get sick really quickly of the same-old, same-old of mashed potatoes, cottage cheese, marshmallows, powdered donuts, and the insides ONLY of Oreos.

Copious amounts of dairy products

You know who makes milk? Cows. Female cows. Without them, there would be no ice cream. No Greek yogurt to give us more excuses for more John Stamos commercials. No four-cheese pizza. Not even one-cheese pizza! It’s about time the hard work and sacrifices that these ladies have made get their due. Equal hay for equal work, y’all.

I have no room in my life for intolerance, lactose or otherwise.

But whatever you do…

You may not like the choices. You might want to order off the secret menu. But whatever you, do not eat your vote. Nothing tastes worse than apathy.

This post also appears at redeyechicago.com

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Liz Kozak (@LizKoz) is editor-in-chief.