An Apology from Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus

To This Great Country,

We here at the Ringling Bros and Barnum & Bailey Circus would like to take a moment to apologize for all of the fear and suffering we have inadvertently caused over the last few weeks with our “Clowns in Your Town” marketing campaign.

As you can imagine, the traveling circus industry has had a little bit of a rough go at it recently. Over the years, we have been forced to send away our thirteen beloved elephants, Blutos 1-12 and Bluto Junior; told that we could no longer tie a bear’s paws to a tricycle; and have dealt with the fallout of movies, television and the internet all being invented in the short period of 120 years.

To combat all of these changes, our intern told us we should attempt to “virally market” something about our circus that audiences can still enjoy. We naturally assumed that our beloved band of merry clowns would do the trick. While our efforts to go viral have apparently been successful, it is very clear to us now that we have made a terrible mistake.

Please remember, we here in the traveling circus industry do not typically indulge in the “books” and “talking pictures” of the elite class. Imagine our embarrassment when we discovered that the public’s opinion of clowns has changed so much over the last forty years. We thought that these magical beings emerging from the woods would be seen as wondrous. Instead, it seems to have caused a large number of school cancellations and mental hospitalizations. It was a rare misstep from us, and we own that.

Now, some of you may be asking, understandably, why the clowns had weapons. The idea was to symbolize that--due to the money saved on elephant-corpse disposal--we were able to “slash” our ticket prices. Knowing all we know now, it may have looked as if they were going to break in and murder you and your family with knives, axes and the occasional chainsaw, and that the phrase “we’re here to take away the pain” was not clear enough in referencing financial pain.

Once again, this was totally our bad guys.

Running America’s most popular (and possibly only?) circus has brought us untold joy over the years. While this mix-up was clearly unavoidable, we are truly sorry for any harm it may have caused. We are very grateful to all of you for your feedback on the “Clowns in Your Towns” campaign, especially those of you who were kind enough to send that feedback via letter carrier. We are aware that we are at fault and will return to our core demographic of grandparents who mean well.

Sincerely,
The Ringling Bros and Barnum & Bailey Circus

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Wen Powers (@WenzlerPowers) is a Chicago based comedy writer.