Curate Your Ideal Watch Party Guest List for the Final Presidential Debate

The final debate is upon us. And despite your valiant efforts to avoid this putrid election cycle, it’s must-see TV (mainly because it's showing on every channel). Call your crew: it's watch party time.

But wait! Before you “select all” on your address book or sloppily throw up an invite on Facebook, let’s think this through. Once the opening interruptions begin (remember: zero words will be said tonight that are not drowned out by at least two other voices bellowing out of turn), you’ll need your support team A-squad on hand to maintain your home, health and sanity. This ain't no Friends rerun, folks--Chandler never advised Joey that TV fame amounted to carte blanche to grab women by the...er, the um...Smelly Cat.

Put away anything breakable, make a run for all the finest box wine your Tercel will hold, and invite ONLY the following individuals to join your debate watch party.

Your TV repair guy

Heavy objects will go through the screen in a blackout rage during a ten-minute sneer about immigration. It’s only logical to invite someone who knows how to pry them out without suffering catastrophic electric shock.

Your therapist

You’re going to need to process this trauma in real time. This way, all it costs you is all the onion dip she can eat.

Your girlfriend who is crazy obsessed with moderator Chris Wallace

This is her Super Bowl. Some people lean Gosling or Hemsworth, but she's ALL IN on the Fox News anchor who looks like a turtle who wished to become Bob Costas...but gave up somewhere in the middle. Give her a front row seat to her unsettlingly milquetoast carnal desires.

Your tailor

It's a given that Hillary’s pantsuit game will be STRONG. It's going to be glorious, like if every Talbots on Earth assembled into an incredibly sensible Thundercat of tweed. Don’t wait for off-the -rack; ask your tailor to sew a knock-off in time for work Thursday. So what if you work at FedEx Kinko’s? As soon as you walk in with shoulder pads on fleek, guess what? Yup, you now own that FedEx Kinko’s.

Your IT person

What if your internet goes down and you can’t tweet your snarky reactions?! Perish the thought. Your 88 followers deserve better--even the 61 tweetbots.

Your local REI sales clerk

When a major candidate starts bragging about grabbing genitalia, lurking behind his opponent onstage and condoning rally supporters who rabidly chant for her to be hanged in the streets, that eleven-year-old mace on your Gilmore Girls keychain will no longer cut it as your go-to crazy attacker repellent. Upgrade to full-on bear spray, and let Chet in Accounting know that breakroom lurkers like him are officially on notice.

Assorted clergy

It’s going to get ugly. When they rail about Colin Kaepernick 7.4 times longer than common sense gun legislation, or when Trump openly calls Clinton the c-word on national television (there is statistically an 82% chance this will happen), you’re going to say and do things that will get you banned from heaven. Hell, you’re going to say and do things that would get you banned from a Greyhound bus. It’s best to proactively have some folks there to mitigate the eternal spiritual fallout.

Plus, some of them don’t drink. More Franzia for you.

Your ex

Attention singles: Under no circumstances should you invite your current beau, boo or bae to watch the debates with you. No one you’re dating--or ever want to date in the future--should see you in a full rage sweat while they can still back out. Instead, call your ex. They’ve already seen you at your worst. Plus, after the debate, you’ll need someone to hold you while you rock to sleep crying, muttering, “Aleppo, Billy Bush, Gennifer Flowers, oh please make it stop” over and over.

That girl you know from high school who works at the post office now

Trust me, you’re going to want that fast-tracked passport to Canada. Jusssst in case. Don’t wait until the lines get long next month. Slip Amber a Hamilton-Tubman or two and ask her to go ahead and commit that federal crime for you. After all, that’s what long-lost high school acquaintances are for.

Good luck and godspeed.

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Brooke Preston (@bigu) is a comedy writer and storyteller. Visit brookeprestoncomedy.com.