Let’s Give Our New Overlord Voldemort a Chance: An Open Letter From Harry Potter

Dear Fellow Wizards and Witches,

I know many of us are still reeling from the shocking results of last week’s epic battle here at Hogwarts. I was certain that after all we’d been through together, we would prevail. I want to thank those of you who did bring your wands to fight for what you believe in. But in the end, today we must face our new reality, however surprising:

We lost. Voldemort is our new overlord. And though we have several valid concerns about his likely oppressive and destructive rule, we need to give him a chance.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. How did we lose when we had greater numbers? While it’s true we had a clear majority--even when factoring in the Slytherin turnout or support for third-party underdogs like the Green party’s Sybil Trelawny. Or Harambe. But our leadership is unfortunately not decided by numbers. It’s decided by Horcruxes--that is, everyday objects where fragmented pieces of a candidate's soul are hidden to protect it from destruction. Stuff like, say, a red baseball cap. And there were just way more Horcruxes than any of our models or exit polls indicated. The Daily Prophet’s Nat Silvern forecasted only 7 Horcruxes, but as we now know, there were at least 34. (They are still counting provisional Horcruxes in Godric’s Hollow.)

Speaking of the media, they aren’t off the hook here. Rita Skeeter’s poolside interview with Voldemort totally normalized him. Witch Weekly’s fact-checkers left something to be desired during the Second Wizarding War. And let’s not even talk about when He Who Shall Not Be Named hosted SNL (Saturday Night Levitation).

I know Voldemort hasn’t always been an ideal leader. He’s admittedly said and done some things on the campaign trail that many found divisive. Like when he said that I founded the Death Eaters. (Like, what? How would that even be possible?) Or when he said he’d build a big, beautiful wall between our realm and London and make the Muggles pay for it. Then he turned around and claimed that no one had more respect for Muggles than he did. The Quibbler caught him on camera telling Billye Bushwicke that when you’re a powerful wizard, you can just grab witches by the Crookshanks. Not cool.

I wouldn’t be doing my job if I also didn’t mention he appears to hate everything good we stand for--to the point of endangering our very lives. Still, the people (okay, the antiquated Horcruxes) have spoken.

Soon, I will no longer be your leader. In fact, there’s every possibility I’ll be thrown into Azkaban. I now deeply regret not closing Azkaban like I vowed I would.

It’s tempting to point fingers, like the fact that I was recently dragged through a lengthy and highly publicized scandal by the Ministry of Magic for sending owl mail to Ron Weasley from a private pen. Yet Voldemort calls for a complete ban on “squibs and mudbloods,” and it’s NBD.

Sigh...where was I? Oh, right. Let’s just give this guy a chance before we make assumptions about what kind of leader he’ll be.

Some of you have been wallowing in defeat. Getting destroyed on butterbeer, distracting yourselves with Fantasy Quidditch lineups, casting Obliviate spells to try to forget, or Riddikulus spells to turn Voldemort into a less-threatening being, usually Kevin James. I’ve caught a few of you sneaking into the Room of Requirement for a last roll in the magical hay before your ultimate doom. (Note: Not what that room is for. Come on, guys.)

These emotional responses are all understandable and valid, but before we do anything rash, let’s just wait and see. After all, I don’t think Voldemort expected the Dark Arts to prevail any more than we did. Perhaps he’ll therefore surround himself with a somewhat more even-tempered and centrist council. A Cedric Diggory-type. A Sirius Black. A Hagrid. Let’s take a look at his short list, let’s see...a bunch of Gringott’s Bank Executives, Bellatrix Lestrange, Nagini, Lucius Malfoy, Dementors, Scabbers the rat, Steve Bannon...well, crap.

Look, let’s just wait this out. This too shall pass. I mean, not the eternal enslavement or the loss of all we hold dear, per se, but just...things will eventually just get better while we sit here and read Transfiguration Today, right? No?

Thank you for your support, for fighting alongside me, and for not laughing when my patronus was showing that one time at the Yule Ball. I’m a teenager--I couldn’t help it.

Order of the Phoenix 2020,

Harry Potter