Thanks, I Think I'll Skip My Mid-Life Crisis

I just turned 46. Thank you. I know it was a brave thing to do. But despite the obvious pity I’ll be getting from society at large, I couldn’t be more thrilled. Because part of the joy of turning 40 is that you give no fucks. And it just keeps getting better.

Granted, I’m such a rule follower that my big rebellion to the establishment the day after the election was texting on an airplane while I was still in the air (okay, I just forgot to put my iPad on airplane mode), but you get the point. Being middle-aged means that you stop caring about the B.S. and tell it like it is. But in a non-racist, dignified way that doesn’t insult people or take away their rights. Because by now you’re also old enough to have learned compassion and tact and that other people besides yourself exist and have feelings.

Millennials are trying to steal our not-caring gig, but they’re a lot more studied and vocal about it, so marketing and advertising care way more about them than they do about us. The world bends over backwards to make sure that they maintain their unencumbered lifestyles. Because plansssss are harrrrrd. And yet we outnumber them. And have more money.

Yes, I know that’s the way the world has always worked. New and fresh are better. Like produce. But we know the real secret. It takes a lot of effort in your twenties to try to pretend that you don’t care. And to think about yourself all the time. And worry about who you are. It’s exhausting. Middle-aged people are too busy being physically exhausted to worry about the emotional part. I just had to take a snack break to get through that sentence.

So please stop treating us like like pretend young people--and condescendingly rewarding us when you think we’re doing it well. Spare us your backhanded compliments like, “You look SO good for your age” or “I swear I would have thought you were [usually only 5] years younger” or "Oooh...is that vintage?” about a brand new The Gap scarf. (The Gap is still cool, right? Oh, who cares.) And when you outright make fun of us for being out of touch, it’s pretty short-sighted. Despite all your best efforts and obvious invincibility, you know in all probability that you will be middle-aged soon too, right?

Middle-aged people deserve to be treated with dignity. That’s the gig. But we can’t then go ruining it by trying to act all young and hip. There’s a difference between keeping up with technology and knowing the trends—and pretending that you’re 12, this time with deliberately ripped jeans. That’s why we have kids. Or 24-year-old assistants. Or Apple products. They were created to understand new things for us.

So since I’m old now and figured everything out, I would like to impart my well-earned wisdom to you in a couple of listicles.

10 Things Middle-Aged People Are Not Allowed To Do:

Tweet at 3 in the morning. Or ever.
Call anyone “Girlfriend” or “Boo”
Shop at the same stores as your teenagers
Go on Tinder
Use the word “woke” incorrectly
End a sentence with “Not!” à la “Wayne’s World”
Reference “The Bachelor” in any way
Use “like” or “literally” too much or in the wrong way.
Text or say LOL, OMG, BRB or CU L8tr
Put needles in your face (You’re not fooling anyone; we just can’t tell when you’re mad.)

10 Great Things About Being Middle-Aged:

Wearing blankets as outerwear
Using words like “lovely” and “delightful” without irony
Reading actual books
Calming down and recognizing that everything comes and goes in and out of favor in cycles, even political parties
Knowing your own clothing style and sticking to it, regardless of fads
Not knowing the meaning of the words “YouTube sensation”
Thinking that organizing your closet is like a vacation
Knowing that you are not who you were told you were in high school
Thinking it’s perfectly acceptable to get into your pajamas for the night at 4 pm and point-blank refusing to go to any events that start after 9 pm
No longer caring so much that you’ve indeed turned into your parents
Embracing your inner hypocrite

Yeah, that was 11. GIVE NO FUCKS.

So go have your mid-life crisis if you need to, but please, do it with dignity. Don’t scare off those of us who are living the dream (brazenly eating our secret stash of peanut M&Ms in bed while we watch "The Daily Show") by trying to extoll the virtues of going out and pretending that you’re young. It’s also kinda better if you don’t destroy yourself, your finances and all your relationships in the process, but hey, it’s your court hearing.

Consider yourself woke. (Please see rule #11.)

If, like a quarter of the population, you are middle-aged and would like to rejoice in it while making “Partridge Family” references without explaining them, please register to join The Second City Training Center's class Mid-Life Crisis: Improv for Generations X & Y. The next term begins January 12th!

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Bina Martin is a teacher, director and writer in Chicago. She is also a co-writer for the nationally syndicated column "Miss Manners," where she does not swear nearly as much.