Help Wanted: Join Our Team at Michaels!

Chicago’s own Lakeview Michaels is now hiring!

Yep, the *very* store featured in the now-viral video. We’re searching for for bright, talented and emotionally indestructible individuals to join our team for one hell of a holiday season.

What you’ll learn:

• The Michaels point-of-sales system
• Which customers are erratically unhappy
• Our exchange and return policies
• The subtle difference between all 26 varieties of glitter
• The subtle difference between “normal” and “explosively racist” customers

Preferred skills:

• Multitasking
• Withstanding fabricated accusations of fabrication and deceit
• Adaptability and teamwork
• Withstanding loud accusations of projecting your voice at levels readily audible across your living room
• Willingness to be permanently covered in glitter
• Ability to take the higher ground when a customer who proudly supports a president-elect who called Mexicans rapists, called women fat pigs, wants a national ban all Muslims and empowers white nationalists publicly shrieks at YOU for “discrimination”

What you’ll do:

• Assist guests with retail transactions
• Demonstrate a thorough-as-hell knowledge of all bag materials, sizes and additional costs
• Stock inventory
• Review in-store surveillance camera footage every Friday in court
• Clean up large glitter spills
• Program the Chicago Police Department on your personal speed dial
• Spend every cent of that GoFundMe campaign however you damn well please, because you earned it

If you love arts and crafts, are passionate about your work, and are really, really good at keeping your damn cool, apply now! Michaels--and the world--need more people who are glittery outside and inside.

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Christian Tucci is a writer, artist, and performer living in New York City. Find more of his work at @chrtucci and www.christiantucci.net.