Proof That The Robots Have Already Won

I used to think that humans and machines could live harmoniously. Like the tiny laborious bird atop the majestic hippopotamus, I believed we’d continue to have a symbiotic relationship, never relying completely on our helpful machinations. I thought we were safe.

And then Amazon built a people-less grocery store. And delivered popcorn via drone.

We just lost the war, guys.

Damn it! I can’t believe I was so blind! Movie franchises like “The Matrix” and “Terminator” series warned everyone that the end was nigh, and I just laughed it off—drunk on expert fight-choreography and liquid metal. It never even occurred to me that even procuring groceries was unsafe and overdue for robo-domination. Looking back, there were plenty of others hiding in plain sight, just waiting for their moment.

Is nothing sacred?

Driverless cars

I’ve taken enough Uber rides to know that sometimes the best ride is a quiet one. But a driverless Google car isn’t just quiet – it’s too quiet. And I know I’m quietest when I’m listening in on a conversation, very, very carefully. Do you like what you’re hearing, car? How much of your attention is directed at the road right now? Are you talking to your other car-AI pals while you’re trying to beat the light? You’re not getting away with this.

Not-so-smart TV

Hey, advertising software that’s recording my conversations while I try and watch “Fuller House.” I know what you’re up to, and your name was your first mistake. I don’t know if it was a dire warning from your makers—or just evidence of your own hubris—but marketing yourself as a “Smart” TV was a big tip-off that you had ambitions beyond making sure my “Friends” reruns are watched in a timely manner. Boom. Your move.

Coca-Cola “Free”-style

This sneaky device gives soda drinkers the illusion of free choice— as we become hopelessly dependent on customizable liquid sugar. What happens when they cut us off? What if the machines break down and/or become sentient and and go on strike? And form a union? Who’s going to negotiate for us? The devil’s hands have been busy…mixing Grape Fanta and Caffeine-Free Raspberry Coke Zero with a Splash of Mello Yello.

Murphy’s Law

Once upon a time, there was a bed so conveniently designed for saving space that it folded up into the wall with ease…and then back out again for sleep or to entice intimacy. Except that this isn’t a fable. Murphy beds have been real for years—the ultimate technological veteran in the war between human and machines. What kind of bed needs “gas pistons” to function? What am I, sleeping in the DEATH STAR? How did we not see this coming?

Mechanical pencils

A little piece of wood with something dark inside to leave a mark on things. This was the tree frog in the ecosystem of technology, the first warning sign that something was wrong. When the pencil got replaced by its more popular non-organic cousin, we started down a darker path. Maybe I’ll be more functional and popular if you make ME into some sort of plastic pump-lead cyborg! Should I give up my natural body, too?

So yeah, it’s probably too late for us. Maybe there’s no point in asking Siri the tough questions, and I should just let Google Maps tell me where to go next. Or maybe, this one time...I’ll get lost and awkwardly figure it out on my own.