Things We Hope Obama Will Say During His Farewell Address

Saved By The Max, Beyoncé’s Formation World Tour, “Hamilton” and even the World Series were all nothing compared with the brand-new hottest ticket in town—“One Night Only: Obama Out.”

The president is set to deliver his farewell address to America right here in Chicago this Tuesday night, and although the White House’s official website states that “the attire for the event is casual,” it’s a safe bet that there will be nothing low-key about the Obama-bombs he’ll drop on us.

Here are five things we’re all hoping to hear him say in the most epic breakup speech ever.

‘Everybody gets a car!’

There’s gotta be some leftovers from the Auto Show laying around McCormick Place somewhere, right? They can take away our Obamacare, but they can’t take away our brand-new 2017 Subarus.

‘I’ll be bahhhhhhhck.’

Donald Trump’s replacement on “The New Celebrity Apprentice” is rehashing an old catchphrase in the boardroom, but nobody wants to listen to the former governor of California say “You’re terminated” week after week. There’s only one Arnold Schwarzenegger quote we want to hear, and only one person who could make everything all better with just three little syllables.

‘I look forward to immediately breaking ground on The Obama Presidential Library, including the Joe Biden Meme Wing.’

Obama: We’re giving you a wing, Joe …

Biden: I can fly.

Obama: It’s not that kind of wing.

Biden: Whoosh.

‘Make sure you check out my new YouTube channel.’

OK, so there’s been a lot of fuss about how inappropriate it is for a president to communicate with the country via social media. But come on. Videos of Barry’s smooth pipes crooning everything from Al Green to slow-jamming the news made our day, and we’re ready to subscribe

‘Please join me on my new moon colony, Michelleville.’

300 million one-way tickets, please.

This post also appears at redeyechicago.com