The Golden Contract All Inauguration Performers Must Agree To

The search for appropriate Presidential Inauguration performers has been a struggle, with only acts like Toby Keith and 3 Doors Down finding themselves tragically available. Is it because of the President-elect’s politics? Lack of experience? Unbridled admiration for L.L. Bean's stupid tote bags? The fact that the event's planner promised "soft sensuality"?

The key issue for gritted-teeth D.C. talent bookers just might be this overly-stringent contract all performers are required to sign:

TALENT CONTRACT FOR THE VERY SPECIAL, VERY BEAUTIFUL, VERY ELEGANT  DAY

Engagement Details: Presidential Inaugural Committee (hereby "CLIENT") agrees to furnish space to hold performance on Friday, January 20th, 2017 (hereby “END OF DAYS.” Inaugural Performer (hereby "TALENT") agrees to perform for President-elect and inaugural guests for compensation (hereby "LAWSUIT"), unless President-elect disagrees, in which case no take-backsies nyaah nyaah nyaah.

Performance Space: The West Front of the U.S. Capitol Building will be made available for the Inauguration and Pre-Inauguration performance (hereby “GREAT SHOW”). The President-elect reserves the right to speak into his mic, or yours, at any point during your performance.

*Please be advised that the platform will be ever-shifting and subject to collapse given any thorough review of its sturdiness.

Artistic Content: More TLC, less Bravo...if you catch our drift. A&E negotiable.

Audience: Speaker Ryan will remain silent throughout the GREAT SHOW, which means he deems the actions appropriate and permissible.

Seating: Weak inaugural talent needs chairs after only performing for TEN MINUTES! Grow some leg bones! Sad.

Hospitality: TALENT will be supplied with one (1) flash-frozen steak. After after all that generosity, it would be pretty rude for TALENT to complain about something so petty as the idea of heating it. TALENT will be permitted one beverage of his or her choice. Coke with Aspartame is suggested, and bottled water, the future currency, is strongly suggested.

*Mexican Coke with real sugar will not be allowed on site.

Green Room: The room will be all-white. GORGEOUS. Also, there will be cameras all over the place that are so small with the best technology, and you won't even know they're there.

Schedule:

(all times Moscow Standard)

12 PM - 12:30 PM: Beginning of swearing-in ceremony

12:30 PM - 12:45 PM: Darkening of skies

12:45 PM - 1:00 PM: Opening of skies

1:00 PM - ???: Wasps

??? - Jackie Evancho collapses: Performances

3:00 PM: Child sacrifice

4:00 PM - 4:30 PM: Everything stops for “Judge Judy.”

4:30 PM - 5:00 PM: Second episode of “Judge Judy.”

5:00 PM - 6:00 PM: End of ceremony

6:05 PM: Audience dispersed with tear gas

Sound Check: Sound checks are fake. Quality is guaranteed by tech team from Dick Clark Productions.

Payment Terms: See "Reimbursable Expenses."

Reimbursable Expenses: See "Payment Terms."

Day-Of Contact: Mike Pence (intern)

Cancellation: This is happening. This is happening. This is absolutely happening.

Signed By:

*Please sign in blood and/or urine, otherwise contract is considered FAKE.

___________________________________________________________________________

Sean Sullivan is a writer for “The Koch Brothers Mystery Show” podcast, now in its second season.