Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas For Your Unique Relationship

What do you give that special someone for Valentine’s Day—when your relationship is anything but conventional? Here are some gift ideas for those of you seeking the perfect present for your unique circumstance, no matter how weird.

Unofficial ‘open door’ policy

You’ve been together for some time, yet you feel free to sleep with other people on the side. Some risqué lingerie for the official girlfriend is a possibility, but what about all the other lucky ladies you are schtupping? Give the bevvy of bae you’re bedding a Derek Jeter-style gift basket. “Memorabilia” from your apartment, like a coffee mug. Maybe a key chain? Throw in a $5 Chipotle gift card, and you’ve got the ultimate V-Day swag bag.

Dysfunctional duo

Your toxic relationship makes you both mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted, but you can’t stay away from each other. This February 14th, you could set boundaries, communicate wants and needs, maybe even make an attempt at couples’ therapy. Or…you two crazies could get a set of matching restraining orders against one another. Nothing says “I love you; no, I hate you” more than being legally required to stay 100 feet away from each other at all times. 

Office bromance

You are both married and straight, yet it feels so right when you are together. Sure, you only hang out at work, but you have developed a close relationship like no other. Your friendship is the only reason you look forward to work every morning and don’t quit your miserable job. Take a cue from President Obama, and surprise your work husband with a Presidential Medal of Freedom. Jeff will weep openly with gratitude, just like Biden did.

Consciously uncoupled

You are no longer married to each other, but you jointly share custody of the children, a dog and a Vitamix. “It’s complicated,” is what you tell potential suitors about your relationship with your ex. You actually plan to spend the most romantic day of the year together…for the kids, of course. Encourage your former flame to be a part of the family unit by purchasing him the GOOP-approved $8300 yurt (really). The totally portable yurt will allow your ex to live close, but not too close, e.g., the backyard.

Perfect partner

“I. Love. Bread.” is your Oprah-inspired rallying cry before every meal. The alluring aroma and pillowy touch of its starchy seduction send chills down your spine. But what do you give that delicious gluten goddess staring back at you from the bread basket? At this special time of year, Country Crock, Parkay and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter will simply not do. Instead, slather your beloved in the rich, salty, earthy goodness of truffle butter. Only this tantalizing luxury will provide the orgasmic experience you both want and deserve this Valentine’s Day.

This post was also published in RedEye Chicago.

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Stacey Zapalac (@smzapalac) is a humor writer who has studied at The Second City Training Center in Chicago.