How To Celebrate Valentine’s Day In Trump’s America

Picking out a little special something for your sweetheart this Valentine’s Day can be a total pain in the butt, and now you have to do it in Trump’s America. Here are a few suggestions on how to make this year’s holiday of love a yuge success.

For the fashionably unconscionable

If you’re looking for feminine apparel, especially apparel only a wealthy grandma on Manhattan’s Upper East Side would wear, look no further than Ivanka Trump’s clothing line. That is, if you can find it! Your lover will be impressed by how hard you worked to find a retailer still carrying her moderately over-priced clothing and shoes. And think of the great laugh you’ll have at your valentine’s expense when she tries to return your gift.

For the one-way communicator

Short on cash? Here’s a gift that costs absolutely nothing: tweets! Shun all adult responsibility, reason and sleep to tweet sweet nothings @ your #valentine well into the wee hours of the morning. What better way to show someone you truly care than by limiting yourself 140 characters to make grand proclamations of love or jilted democracy through social media? If it’s good enough for the president, it’s good enough for you.

For the emotionally closed off

If it’s been feeling like there’s an emotional wall being built between you two, Valentine’s Day is a great time to address those issues. Nothing builds a stronger relationship than coming together to construct an actual wall between each other. Open communication and respect is so 2016. In Trumperica, walls are put up wherever and whenever we feel like it.

Plus, the extra wall space will provide ample space to hang your “Make America Great Again” poster.

For the desperate neckwear aficionado

Have a tie lover in your life? This comes highly recommended:

Fully functional, great for both business and casual events, and pre-tied for convenience. And when the news becomes too unbearable or the Apocalypse is imminent, it provides an easy exit strategy.

For the feminist

Most couples try to spend February 14th together by partaking in a fun activity meant for two. That could be dinner at a fancy restaurant, a movie or--a favorite of many--a visit to Planned Parenthood. Since the only thing available at PP are abortions, why not get one just for funsies? Doesn’t matter that you’re not even pregnant. It just might be your last chance to get one in a place that’s not an alley behind a fancy restaurant or a movie theater.

For the literal literates

If all else fails, you can always go the Romeo and Juliet route. No, not dressing up in medieval clothing and talking in iambic pentameter, you kinky kooks--suicide! Obviously, taking your life is never the answer, until it is. Nothing shows how strong a relationship is than by supporting one another and making decisions together, especially end-of-life ones. You’re merely expediting the inevitable anyway, since the world will probably be obliterated by the time Easter rolls around.

Happy Valentine’s Day, lovebirds!

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Dana Angelo (@Dana_Angelo) is a comedy writer and performer originally from the majestic state of New Jersey.