What President Trump And His Righteous Cabinet Are Giving Up For Lent

The 40 days preceding Easter are used by millions of Christians as a season of preparation and reflection. To reflect Christ’s 40 days of temptation and fasting in the desert, many of today’s faithful--and elected--choose to abstain from a favorite personal vice.

As our nation’s leaders are constantly talking about their favorite parts of the Bible, like “Two Corinthians,” they’ve probably got this Lent thing down.

Head of the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) Scott Pruitt

Pruitt has gamely agreed to pause all oil derrick drilling on Yosemite National Park’s half dome until Easter.

Note: Fracking wells may still be constructed, but only on Fridays.

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos

While most on this list will observe lent for only 40 days, DeVos has bravely committed to a lifelong deprivation of stepping her well-heeled foot inside a public school, ever, for any reason.

For those in her department who do not practice Christianity, please see DeVos for a Lent voucher, which will allow you to instead deny yourself favorite comforts in a private charter setting.

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan

Ryan has begrudgingly agreed to give up his P90X two-a-days (though multiple sources report he flat-out refused to give up his Jillian Michaels 30-Day Shred DVDs or his Soul Cycle Soul Challenge Frequent Cycler card).

Ryan reportedly broke a plate from the FDR administration in the White House China Room with his bare hands while bellowing, “Who ever heard of P50X? I’m only going to be 55.555% swole! This is madness!” before collapsing into the fetal position next to a Reagan-era tea service.

Press Secretary Sean Spicer

When casually asked what he’ll be giving up for Lent, Spicey yelled, “GOOD GOD, YOU MEDIA DEMONS NEVER QUIT, DO YOU? I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL, REUTERS!”

He added that he planned to give up gum.

Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway

“Well, I will continue to give up all things for Lent, as I have done and as the President has always done. And we have been open and consistent in not giving up everything, but also never giving up nothing. We have been proud leaders of Lenten things, unlike the fake news media and the Democrats, who seek to obstruct and twist our words about Lent at every turn. We have and will continue to proudly Lent, even in the face of the horrible attacks like just last night in Oslo, or the horrific Tampa Bay Nightmare of 2017.”

Chief White House Strategist Steve Bannon

Ever one to lead by humble Christian example, Bannon will be giving up his extensive thrice-daily La Mer skincare regimen for Lent--giving him plenty of extra time for his other favorite pastime, puppeteering.  

President Donald Trump

Trump will tweet plans to give up Twitter for 40 days. Incredibly, seven minutes later, Trump will tweet:

“Just gave up tweeting for lent. And I have to tell you, it feels so, so good.”

“No one loves a lent more than me. I love lent so much more than Jesus does it’s incredible. VERY SAD!”

“The lents love me, I have a great relationship with the lents”

“Who knew lent was so incredibly complicated?”

(Plus 27 more all-caps tweets accusing Rachel Maddow of being ISIS.)

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Brooke Preston is a frequent contributor to the Second City Network and studied satire writing at Second City Training Center. A Midwest-based comedy writer and storyteller, she’s a co-founder/editor of The Belladonna Comedy.