So You’re Moving To An Exoplanet: A Millennial’s Guide

Millennials haven’t been moving as often as previous generations did, according to some more researchers who are frankly a little too obsessed with us. What good would moving to a new place do, anyway? You’ll still have to see your ex get married on Instagram (you have mutual friends), climate change is dooming the whole world, and YouTube has POV videos of all good roller coasters.

NASA astronomers announced last week that they have discovered seven Earth-like exoplanets. Finally, millennials can close their tab at this godforsaken planet! Check out the following advice for moving to an exoplanet if you’re ready to vacate this global Grey Gardens.

Just how far away am I moving?

Your new exoplanet, TRAPPIST-1f, is orbiting a star just 40 light years away. It’s a good distance to ensure your parents won’t be coming to visit every weekend—and yet going home for the holidays won’t be super inconvenient, either.

What should I take with me to my new exoplanet?

Pack your essentials: clothes, books, oxygen tanks, spectrometer, gamma ray detector, Brita pitcher. Leave your bed frame behind; it will be easier to buy a new one when you touch down on TRAPPIST-1f.

Should I hire movers to help me move my stuff across the universe?

While not the cheapest option, interplanetary movers are helpful. Last I checked, Peter Quill doesn't work for beer and pizza. Alternatively, you can opt for a one-way spacecraft rental. (Note: You will need to return the spacecraft to the rental agency with a full tank of rocket propellant).

My significant other has a good job on Earth, so he/she will be staying here. We don’t need to break up over this, right?

You don’t have to end a relationship just because you’re 235,145,014,927,345 miles apart! However, long-distance relationships are never easy—they take effort, patience and, in this case, twelve logged hours of training in one of those spinning gyroscopes.

I’ve always wanted to live in a tiny house. They’re so cute. Since moving to TRAPPIST-1f will be a new chapter in my life, perhaps it’s also good time to finally do that, too?

Moving to an exoplanet will bring about many changes, from a new name for your WiFi network to new craters to chart. If your vision of life on a giant new exoplanet includes cooking, sleeping and defecating within a square footage smaller than Shaq’s mattress, have at it. Welcome home!

What if I don’t like living on an exoplanet?

You can always move back in with your parents…as long as Earth still exists. There may even be a new roller coaster to ride by then, too!

This post is also published in the Chicago RedEye.

______________________________________________________________________________

Christian Tucci (@chrtucci ) is a writer, artist and performer living in New York City. Find more of his work at www.christiantucci.net.