16 Things I Assume Will Be Said At Some Point During The ‘Day Without A Woman’ Strike

On Wednesday, you might notice something a little different about your workplace--there'll be no women. On March 8th, the same protest organizers who brought us the enormously successful Women's March are declaring "A Day Without A Woman,"  when girls are going to prove just *exactly* who run the world by going on strike and not showing up to work.

There is a lot to be said about the strike, and here are just a few of those things that I can only assume will be said at some point during the day.

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"Is nothing sacred anymore? In my day, a strike was between one white guy and another white guy." --Your Uncle Hal

“This is cool and all, but it will never compare with the March….Madness bracket I have this year! I’m feeling lucky about 2017, babay!” --Scott, the boss’s son

“But without women at work, then whose bed am I going to crawl into while they’re asleep, caress their backs until they wake up with my face just inches from theirs...and then refuse to leave?” --Oscar winner Casey Affleck

"...does this mean my only choice is Blake?" --A contestant on "The Voice"

“Hey, duuuuude! Nice...um...tie clip? Yeah!” --A confused cat caller

“No, guys, it’s cool for me to be at work today, cuz I’m not technically a human woman so much as a vessel for the formless agent of the Dark Lord who’s been living inside me since my preacher died trying to get it out. They made a movie about me! Anyway, let’s get Chris Wallace on the horn.” --Kellyanne Conway

“Hey, where’s Linda?” --Someone who works with Linda

“No women at work today, huh? Maybe I’ll finally be the one who eats the yogurt that I put in the fridge.” --Your coworker/yogurt aficionado Mark

“Hello? Is anyone working here?” --A Claire’s Boutique patron

“Oh gosh, I thought that was next week. Gotta go!” --A surgeon, mid-surgery

“She won the popular vote.” --The American majority

“Will you marry me?” --Nick Viall to himself in the mirror

“I would have totally done it….iiiiif I wasn’t afraid of getting fired or was totally unable to afford taking unpaid time off.” --A lot of women

“For me, every day is a day without women, because I work at the White House.” --Someone who works at the White House in 2017

“Boy, I sure have taken for granted all that they have to offer to society and, yes, even to the workforce. I have seen the darkness without them, and they will never be unappreciated again.” --A man who lost his iPhone for one afternoon

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Maggie Smith (@THEJudiDench) is a Chicago-based writer and improviser who performs with The Second City Training Center’s musical improv house ensemble Infinite Sundaes every Sunday night at 8pm.