Here’s What It’s Like To Be Someone Who’s Never Seen 'Star Wars' On May the Fourth

Star Wars is a religion, and May the Fourth is its sacred holiday of love, faith and worship. At least that’s what I understand, as someone who has never seen Star Wars.

I was raised in a household that didn’t ever watch any Star Wars movie. I don’t even know how many movies there are (though my best guess is 23). I think I once accidentally played with *a* Darth Vader Lego figure for a couple minutes in sixth grade.

Every year at the height of spring, I witness the same seasonal goings on: light sabers get their own aisle at Target, brunettes glue Cinnabons to their heads, and nearly all my friends revert to the mindset of virginal nerds. But I? I have nothing to celebrate. I’m not sure if Chewbacca ever gets sad in the movies, but if he does, then that is what I feel like during the Star Wars season.

As crazy as it sounds, the Fourth is just like any other day for me. I don’t sing John Williams scores; I don’t say “ssshhhhooom!”; I don’t have Meemaw staying over because she isn’t driving at night anymore. See, I really have no clue if there’s a part where R2-D2 feels socially alienated from the rest of his robot friends, but if that happens at all, then that’s what it’s like for me, too.

As someone who has never seen Star Wars, I’m like a Jew on Christmas, except people are *less* sympathetic to my way of life. Most businesses are closed for May the Fourth, because somehow this holiday is more revered by Americans than Flag Day. This is a day I usually spend with lots of “me” time. I don’t know if Star Wars ever has a montage of Princess Leia doing household chores, turning on Shameless and plowing into some saucy Pork Lo Mein—but if it does, then that’s a good access point for what my day is like.

Even though on this day everyone celebrates an approximately 23-movie action series without me (and sounds like they’ve acquired lateral lisps overnight), I do not resent my upbringing. Instead, I observe October Eleventh, which is the birthday of the twins played by Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap. So I understand the joyous screaming from pictures of pugs dressed like Yoda. I can’t say if Darth Vader ever says “Welp, to each his own!”… but assuming that he does at the end of at least one of the movies, that’s what it’s like to be me on May the Fourth.

Christian Tucci (@chrtucci ) is a writer, artist and performer living in New York City. Find more of his work at www.christiantucci.net.