7 Places Illinois Will Seek Cash To Pay Off Its $14.7 Billion Debt

Now that Illinois has its first state budget in two years, the cash-strapped state must begin the hard work of paying off the nearly 15 billion dollars it owes.

Here are seven places lawmakers are turning to for cash:

State’s old jeans

Citing one time when he found a wrinkled twenty in a pair of cut-offs he’d totally forgotten about, Governor Rauner implored citizens to check the pair of jeans they only use for painting and stuff.

Venmo

In a tweet released earlier this week, House Speaker Michael Madigan stated that if Illinois residents Venmo’d him ten dollars and “PM’d” him their numbers, he would send them “something fun ;)”

Taking the treasury’s change to a Coinstar

Reluctant Democratic Comptroller Susana Mendoza admitted it might finally be time to take the treasury’s thirty thousand or so Mason jars full of accumulated coins to the Coinstar at the Jewel. “Yeah, they take, like 13 percent, or something crazy,” admitted Mendoza, “but if you take that much to your bank, like, they’ll do it, but you know they’re gonna be pissed off at you.”

Cancelling legislators’ state-funded Brazzers accounts

Despite bipartisan outcry, Rauner has introduced a measure to curtail the government’s spending on high-definition, web-based pornography. “We all have to tighten our belts,” Rauner stated.  “Besides,” he added, “almost everything is on PornHub, anyway.”

Sell state’s plasma reserves

“There’s nothing shameful about this,” Mendoza stated, pointing out that people need plasma and that it saves lives. “Besides, afterwards, you get a cookie.” Mendoza later amended her statement, saying that it turned out cookies are “just a blood donating thing.”

EmAIL LETTER TO Help Bruce Rauner Move his Millions OF Dollar!!

Guvernor Bruc Rauner has anounced plans to send email to many of Illionois elderly resident, asking for simply a few thousand dollar to help him unlock his bank account, which is FULL! of millions of dollats!! In xchange he well send them FOURTY MILLION OF THEM!!!!!

Air BnB the Capitol building

Legislators plan to allow visitors to rent out the Capitol building on a short-term basis. The listing on the popular app encourages travelers to “Live like a local! Spend a morning in our beautiful state parks! Spend an afternoon at a local festival! Or spend two years holding a budget hostage while you try to erode protections for workers. It’s your vacation! Go nuts!”      

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James Harvey Freetly is a Chicago-based writer and performer. He has performed for Second City Theatricals aboard the Norwegian Gem and is the creator of The Improvised Twilight Zone at The Annoyance Theater and Bar. He appears on the podcast "Humanoid Resources" as Prof. P.T. Barnabas and Capt. Drew Butt. He tweets more than his friends think he should @JHFreetly.