A Woman’s Guide to Celebrating Emotional Labor Day

It’s the end of summer, and Labor Day weekend—complete with food and fun—is finally upon us! Typically, Labor Day celebrates the achievements of workers and unions, but this year, take it one *feminine* step further and celebrate Emotional Labor Day Weekend…in honor of all the unpaid emotional labor women are expected to do.

Curious about how to celebrate? Read on.

Make a summer fruit salad

Chop up your favorite summer stone fruits and add in fresh seasonal berries while you cheerily remind your boyfriend for the seventh time that it’s his mother’s birthday, his father’s work anniversary, and two years to the day since his dog saved that baby from the well. Repeat it for the eighth time a few hours later…when you realize he hasn’t looked up from his PS4. 

Attend a fun BBQ

In between bites of a veggie dog and artisanal bean salad, arrange your face into a sympathetic expression while Tom bemoans his wife’s lack of intimacy. Knit your brows while he chokes out every metaphor for betrayal, and coo gently as it goes on for forty-five minutes. (He doesn’t know you know he cheated on her.)

Go for a refreshing swim

After you swallow the last bite of your poolside Cliff Bar and are get ready to cannonball in, smile politely as a man in a camouflage Speedo stops you from getting into the pool, since “you have to wait two hours after eating!” Begin your explanation of why he’s wrong with, “I’m sorry but I think that may be a myth…” so his masculinity isn’t challenged, and dodge sprays of his Bud Light breath as he sighs confusedly while you cite your published sources in a non-threatening way. Snd he cites a meme he saw that a Michael Phelps fan page shared.

Relax in the backyard

While making sure to apply just the right amount of SPF, listen as your phone dings with an (after work hours) email from your boss asking you to start planning the office party for Carl Garner Federal Lands Cleanup Day. Sigh with exhaustion while remembering all the hours spent prepping for the National Senior Citizens Day Office-Wide Bash, and grit your teeth when your aforementioned boss denies your request to ask one of the *other* accountants for help.

Go see the fireworks

Grab a group of pals and head down to Town Hall to watch the fireworks display. Hold your breath in the crowd as you feel an unwelcome hand on your body. When you turn around and politely confront your aggressor, listen calmly as he sobs that he “just couldn’t help himself” and “how lonely he is” and how “these issue harken back to his childhood” when he “wasn’t accepted amongst the other kids” at “synchronized swimming camp.”

Smile compassionately as his friends flippantly tell you it wasn’t a big deal and he’s a broken man, so you should let it go and maybe also counsel him a bit, especially with what’s going on with his wife. (Did I mention it was Tom from the BBQ?)

Want one more way to celebrate? Grab a group of your fellow females and see She the People: Girlfriends' Guide to Sisters Doing it for Themselves, starting September 29th at UP Comedy Club.

Martha Stortz is a writer and improviser living in Toronto. She is trained in improv and sketch writing through The Second City Training Center Conservatory and Longform programs and performs regularly with her longform troupe Orson Whales. Follow her on Twitter at @marthamks.