An Open Letter To YouTube’s Recommendation Section

We're pleased to periodically present featured student work from The Second City Training Center's Online Program. First up in the series is a piece by Writing Satire for the Internet student Erlend Badhwar Valen-Sendstad, who studies with Second City all the way from Norway.

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Dear YouTube "Recommended" Section,

There is no easy way to say this, but we need a break.

We’ve had a lot of fun together, but in the last decade, you’ve changed. I’ve changed, too. Video consumption on the Internet sure isn’t what it used to be, but I never imagined the YouTube family would become such a dynasty. And I don’t see myself as a part of it.

Don’t get me wrong; I love your family. Your cool sister Trending always has her finger on the pulse. Your loud uncle Comments  often leaves me speechless with his strong convictions and theories. Your sweet grandmother Search Bar eagerly completes my sentences with the most random twists imaginable.

But it was clear from the start there was something special between you and me, Recommended. You just got me in a way that the other sections didn’t.

When I first met you, I was young and constantly watching "learn how to beatbox" tutorials. We seemed to have an instant connection, and you could anticipate precisely what I wanted – like card trick demonstrations or "How to be a Gentleman" guides explaining how to pack a suitcase. I was eager to experience all parts of life with you, and yet, I still can’t pack a proper suitcase. Or beatbox. Or do a clean three-card monte. 

I was grateful for your warmth, but your persistence was quite overwhelming.

You built a near-perfect algorithm to predict my viewing pattern – but I am a human, and you are a piece of AI keeping track of every video I’ve viewed since I logged in for the very first time. We simply want different things in life.

Remember how I watched a "$600 pen unboxing" video after hours of blooper reels from nineties sitcoms? In retrospect, I realize that my spontaneity was by your design. I never considered expensive pen reviews to be well-spent time before you told me about them.

Video by video, you changed me.

It’s gotten to the point where I’ll watch anything you put in front of me. Last week, I watched a Mercedes-Benz C-Class commercial just for the entertainment value! Yes, their "never stop improving" slogan was inspirational, but it made me realize that I *have* stopped improving. Without noticing it, I had forgotten all about the magical art of beatboxing.

We’ve been together so long that I don’t even know what videos I would watch on the Internet without your assistance. As you know, I have watched an embarrassing number of Tiny House builds and Sprinter Van conversions. I like to dream, but you remind me of it every single day. You’re smothering my fantasy with your attentiveness.

When I viewed "How to Freeze Columns in MS Excel" in a desperate moment at work, you kept reminding me of my lack of work skills at night. Was it to shame me into taking an evening class? Because if so, you shouldn’t have encouraged me to waste that much time watching clickbait-y videos.

No, it’s not someone else. Netflix’s Because You Watched section is a complete stranger to me. Spotify’s Discover Weekly playlist is sweet, but there is no real connection.

But since you insist, I’ll admit I am a bit intimidated by the Mafia vibes from your friends. I know you’re really close with your Google, but for me, he has some boundary issues. He thinks it’s okay to read my e-mails and tell you about them, and while he assured me it’s only to "improve my experience," he also forced me to sign a really long agreement that I probably should have read.

I haven’t told you this, but your pal Google Maps keeps following me around, and I think Google Calendar keeps close tabs on me, as well. And don’t even get me started on your Google Chrome. She looks at me with stone cold judgment, but she’s the one who suggested I try the Incognito mode in the first place!

It’s time I log off now. Please don't continue to profile me using your cookies and big data trickery. I will always cherish our time together, just like you’ll use my viewing history to improve the suggestions to others.

A heartfelt goodbye,

Erlend

P.S. You wouldn’t happen to have some video recommendations to get me through our breakup faster? Trending doesn’t care that I’m not in the mood for "Child Instagrammers React to Top 35 Craziest Vegetables." And you know precisely what would cheer me up. 

Erlend Badhwar Valen-Sendstad has written and produced satire for Norwegian TV, radio, and websites. He has studied satire writing at The Second City Training Center and is a guest lecturer on the subject at the University of Oslo. Erlend and YouTube’s Recommendation section still keep in touch.