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Your 1st fork: To tap nervously on the table each time Trump dodges a topic and Lester Holt doesn’t force him to answer the question.
A 2nd fork: To clutch tightly in anticipation of Trump finally getting pressure about releasing his tax returns.
A 3rd fork: To throw at the TV if Gennifer Flowers is actually shown sitting in the audience as a guest of the Trump campaign.
A 4th fork: To jab in your own eyes every time Trump mentions Mexico paying for the wall.
The ever-important 5th fork: To lightly gouge out your ear drums whenever the words “Benghazi,” “email” or “pneumonia” are mentioned.
A very, very sharp 6th fork: To stab in your thigh to keep from screaming each time Trump insinuates that Clinton is hiding neurological problems from the public.
A 7th fork: To set quietly on the table and just look at, since you really can’t afford to hurt yourself anymore because if Trump is elected, his plan to repeal the Affordable Care Act will result in increasing the number of uninsured Americans from 24.9 million to 44.6 million.
An 8th and 9th fork: To hug tightly against your chest and rock softly as you allow the fear you feel for the future of your children and their children to quietly permeate your body and soul.
A 10th fork: Because it’s rude to eat potato salad with your hands.
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Caitlin Kunkel is a comedy writer, director, and producer based in Brooklyn, NY. She teaches screenwriting and satire at The Second City Training Center and takes off her pants as soon as she gets home. Read more of her musings @KunkelTron or at the more professionally-named www.caitlinkunkel.com.
