I know this goes without saying, but Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal is a superhero. He rescued Europe in a speech to the British House of Commons this week by telling them about “no-go zones” (Islamic enclaves in the UK where Sharia law trumps traditional police enforcement). Some people think Jindal is crazy. I feel that he is a Forecaster of Fates, my personal Father Time (younger, browner and beardless). I know he is telling the truth because I’ve been to the type of place to which he is referring. It’s bad. Real bad.

Below is a list of five real “no-go zones.” I will not use the actual names of the neighborhoods because I don’t want to validate the terrorists. Instead, I will provide coded images. Hopefully you will recognize these places and not visit them, yourselves:

Neighborhood 1:

This desolate wasteland almost perfectly matches Jindal’s description of a “no-go zone.” Imams are housed in multi-story walkups, accessible seven days a week. Police refuse to enter certain neighborhoods, while the populace in lesser locales is put in a chokehold. During many months of the year, women feel uncomfortable walking outdoors without a headscarf. Men too. I’m not kidding. The atmosphere of this place is too harsh for freedom to exist. We should consider airstrikes.

 Neighborhood 2:

While the Islamic State represents itself with the color black, this barren hot zone dawns the color red. Yes, red as in “blood” and “fire” and “death.” Soviet-style officials in red shirts ask the populace if it needs “help.” Instead of truly hearing your problems and respecting your individual freedom, these agents give you rote answers that tell you where to go and what you need. If you don’t find what you’re looking for, you can leave. Simple as that. No outlet to express religion. Strict curfews. It is a nanny state that uses censorship and market control to plague the people, its Target.

 Neighborhood 3:

The creatures living inside this pit of despair are the victims of the worst kind of subversion: manipulation of the food supply. Like Kim Jong-un of North Korea, the rulers of this land use the illusion of abundance. The populace is denied life-giving fruits and vegetables. Why would you want the right to good health when the state provides ample calories and saturated fat at a reasonable price? Fascism is furthered by the absence of green space. Citizens are left in their chairs to swell. Ew.

Neighborhood 4:

This zone is a definite “no-go.” It adopts elements of Confucianism and animal worship to create opiates for the masses. Citizens worship anthropomorphized animals that are ageless. Every child wakes up early on Saturdays to absorb animated propaganda. Heartbreaking. During the summer, adults drag their children to the brainwashing centers of their youth. They flock to a Mecca, clad in shirts, shorts, and hats with emblems of their masters. Government allegiance is pledged through collective joy and its victims have no idea. Sad.

Neighborhood 5:

“Do not go in there.” – Ace Ventura

Beware these dangerous places. If you are currently in one of these zones…RUN!

Neal Danade is a racially ambiguous body that writes and performs at the Annoyance and iO theaters. He holds an MFA in Writing for the Screen from Northwestern, where he is an associate professor, and he was a member of The Second City Touring Company. Watch his web series Chai Chat if you like Indians, parents or Indian parents.