5 Reasons to Go Hunting

Thanks to Ricky Gervais’ Twitter account, the hunting debate is back in the news media’s crosshairs. Those against wildlife pest control are voicing their opinions through sensationalism and pull-on-your-heartstrings imagery, while pro-slaughter advocates are simply sticking to the facts.

EXTREME BRAGGING RIGHTS

While some people have bumper stickers celebrating their kids’ academic prowess, you have a trophy room filled with dead carcasses and their trapped souls. A moose head or a bear rug is a constant reminder that you’re better than everyone else.

“You got a raise? Cool. I eradicated the Mauritius dodo bird.”

EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES GALORE

Hunting gives organizations like the Fish and Wildlife Service, the Humane Society and PETA something to complain about. Without sport killing, the people working for these organizations wouldn’t even have jobs. The cause and effect— as well as the symbiotic relationship— is pretty clear on this one.

In addition, there are numerous educational outlets and online courses where master huntsman can generate income by teaching young hunters how to “humanely” club a seal.

IT’S NOT SEXIST

Hunting is a market where women can dominate. Why? Because they aren’t competing against men— they’re competing against animals, and those animals aren’t strong enough to go up against high-powered artillery weapons. Women can proudly say, “I didn’t just make dinner. I caught the dinner, and I skinned it.”

Young animal-hating have plenty of role models these day in trophy huntresses Melissa Bachman, Kendall Jones and Rebecca Francis, while the men will continue to strive to be like the dad from Jumanji.

FREE THERAPY

Hunting provides an outlet for stress and can be very cathartic. Having a rough day at work? Gear up and head out to the forest to fire off some shots at a resting family of boar. Had a fight with your significant other? Then camo up, pop open a six pack and mow down some friendly geese Grand Theft Auto Gauranga-style. Isn’t that better than just squeezing a stress ball that never even had a pulse to begin with?

PREVENTING PLANET OF THE APES FROM BECOMING REAL

If we don’t regularly practice techniques to assert our dominance over animals, they will rise up and turn against the human population. Advocates in support of conservation and nature have obviously never seen any of the Planet of the Apes movies. Domestication and treating animals like they’re “one of the family” is the quickest way for any given giraffe to start learning how to walk, talk, take our jobs, and steal our wives.

Without hunting, we’d be discussing Equal Opportunity rights for animals in no time.

Ryan Nallen is an actor, writer and improviser in Chicago. He is a graduate of iO, The Second City Conservatory and the Annoyance Theater.