5 Super Foods For a Super New Year

Hi Dad! WAIT YOU’RE NOT MY DAD?!

…but I bet you’re someone who struggles with keeping your New Year’s resolutions. They make me want to tear my eyes out (which is great because I’d like to have fewer eyes this year).

Like a lot of other people, I’d also like to be healthier. I read that simply eating a colorful variety of food can improve your health. How encouraging! I hate diets that make tell me what I can and cannot eat. This novel approach is not about limits; it’s about expanding your choices by introducing a range of healthy alternatives. Here are some colorful new “Super Foods” I plan to try in 2015:

Antifreeze

This is a great drink for cold weather because you cannot feel the cold when you are dead. It’s also a lot harder to absorb calories as a corpse. Nearly 100 percent of people who tried this found that they actually burned calories immediately. Antifreeze will turn a boring Saturday into a special occasion (your last day on Earth). Drink it with a loved one.

If you and your partner were recently married, this drink will transform you from newlyweds into newlydeads! If you are Paleo, try eating a foxglove plant. Health enthusiasts found that it produces similar effects.

My Shorts

I know I’m probably alone on this, but I like to wear short pants in the summertime. My Bermuda Shorts are brightly colored and loaded with fiber. Bermudas are unique because they are shorter than most other shorts and thus lower in calories. Bike shorts (the stretchy kind) are made of synthetic material that goes straight to your hips.

My Dust

You should eat my dust this year because it is loaded with important vitamins and minerals. My dust also has filtration properties, making it a “mud mask” for your gut. Be careful, though. Eating dust has been linked to iron deficieny. Sprinkle some nails or industrial staples for added crunch.

Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

Renowned health scientist Chester Cheetah once told me that a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos is equivalent to seven juice cleanses. It’s not published anywhere because he told me that when I was high during a personal interview.

Sonia Sotomayor

An adventurous choice for avid foodies, Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor can be an integral part of a fair and balanced diet. She is the sweet potato to John Robert’s potato: she is darker in hue and metabolizes better. Justice Elena Kagan is Sotomayor minus beta-carotene, like a yam. Any of these choices are good in moderation, but stay away from Justice Scalia unless you like things that are bitter and tasteless, like his spirited defense of torture.

That’s it! Eat these super foods and you will feel super, dude. Now that we’re done, I’d better get back to freezing to death.

Neal Dandade is a racially ambiguous body that writes and performs at the Annoyance and iO theaters. He holds an MFA in Writing for Screen and Stage from Northwestern, where he is an Associate Professor. Neal was a member of the Second City Touring Company and currently creates content for the Second City Network. Watch his webseries, Chai Chat (http://secondcitynetwork.com/series/chai-chat/) if you like Indians, parents, or Indian parents.