Agenda from the NFL's Most Recent PR Team Meeting

NFL PR TEAM STAFF MEETING AGENDA

I. In the news: September 2015 would have been the first calendar month in 6 years in which no NFL player was arrested (until Dorial Green-Beckham ruined everything).

Action item:

Purchase 1199 “Caught you doing something good!” stickers

II. Outreach Program update: The NFL “Play 60” campaign couldn’t be going better! After millions of dollars, thousands of volunteer hours and personal appearances by Cam Newton and Michelle Obama, we got American kids to stand up and play—FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR! Outstanding work on solving America’s childhood obesity epidemic, everyone.

(PS: As a thank you, there are donuts and pizza in Conference Room A. You earned it!)

III. Suggestion Box: Several states and news outlets have banned the Washington Redskins’ controversial name outright, creating a branding problem. We asked you to submit some alternative names last week that America could more universally love.

Washington Redskins Team Name Update Finalists:

The Washington Kelly Clarksons
The Washington Clean Baby Head Smells
The Washington Rescue Puppies
The Washington Crisp Fall Days
The Washington Ross and Rachels
The Washington Children’s Laughter
The Washington Pumpkin Spices
The Washington Tom Hanks
The Washington 1993 Chicago Bulls

IV. The Peyton Manning reanimation experiment [code name: Weekend at Bernie’s]: Now in its second successful year.

Action items:

Pursue Febreze as product sponsor. (URGENT)
Avoid close-ups of Eli’s anguished tears when the Broncos face the Giants.
When filming the next Papa John’s ad, try to make Peyton’s head jiggle a little, as if to say, “Mmmm, I sure am excited and physiologically capable of chowing on this pizza!”

V. Promising stats from the research department: Daily fantasy sites like FanDuel and DraftKings have reminded our viewers that—despite Roger Goodell’s perpetual ethical dumpster fires—the NFL still barely cracks the fall sports corruption power rankings leaderboard.

***Staff Reminders:

Insider trading, competitive spying, or the use of inside information for competitive or financial gain is illegal and unethical, and will NOT be tolerated in ANY way, shape or form in this league, aside from the myriad ways we already permit Bill Belichick to do exactly that.

VI. Quick reminder: The break room fridge is out of order, due to it falling on top of our graphic designer Janet yesterday. Janet was loaded onto the mail cart and rushed straight to the ER. There, she’s receiving treatment for her 4th concussion, as a result of repeatedly having her head mostly caved in by a 400-pound appliance. We’re taking aggressive steps to prevent further devastating head trauma, like requiring Janet to wear a more shock-absorbent fedora to work.

Please note:

In keeping with company policy, Janet is listed as questionable for next week’s meeting (but inside sources indicate she is expected to attend).
Per a memo just received from Legal: We’re no longer permitted to say we’re taking “aggressive” steps against anything, until several pending domestic assault cases have been resolved.
In Janet’s absence, please route all projects to Reggie, despite the fact that as the oldest living member of our team (49!) who has himself suffered several concussions, he will not remember that you made the request long enough to act on it.

VII. After a multi-million dollar, multi-platform campaign condemning domestic and sexual violence against women, incidents involving an NFL player have been reduced to “league minimum” levels.

Action items:

Burn every tape in the Commissioner's office, especially the ones hand-labeled "Ol' Roger has sure never received or watched THIS tape of damning evidence." Plausible deniability is a PR team’s best friend!
Make “Most Improved” certificate for Ben Rothlessburger. Spellcheck “R3thlissbuergr.”

(PS: As a thank you, help yourself to our new NFL-branded pepper spray key fobs and arm slings, in Conference Room C. Ladies first!)

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Brooke Preston (@bigu) is a comedy writer and storyteller. Her work has been featured on Reductress, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Robot Butt and right in the middle of her parents' fridge. She enjoys adventuring with her husband, daughter and two doofy labs, and finding really good deals on cheese.