What American Sniper Got Wrong

America’s Greatest Film, American Sniper, debuted recently to massive, record-breaking box office. The Clint Eastwood flick garnered another big haul this past weekend, still riding high from its surprising six Academy Award nominations, including Best Picture and Best Actor for Will Tippen.

Since its release, the film has been a firebrand of controversy as critics question the integrity of its central hero, Chris Kyle, the twisting of the Iraq War into such black and white moral territory, and perhaps most heatedly, the film’s depiction of Muslim women and children being killed by patriotic sniper fire.

Liberals say the film is a callous hunk of bloody, jingoistic, rah-rah America flank steak. I say the film is not nearly patriotic ENOUGH. Yes, folks, American Sniper is just another Liberal propaganda piece from the commie enclave of Hollyweird, one that severely dilutes America’s heroic accomplishments in this century’s first great war.

Here are the most egregious factual errors in Eastwood’s limp, Nancy Pelosi pantsuit of a film:

America Actually Won The Iraq War Seven Times

Did Clint Eastwood bother reading a history book at all? We all know the second Iraq War, a war of pure good against complete evil, ended five minutes after it started with all evil Muslims eradicated by 100,000 glistening, shirtless Rambos walking through explosions, because that’s how America wins all wars.

Also, there was no mention of the fact that after America’s decisive, completely inarguable victory in which absolutely no innocents were killed, the treaty of American Is Fucking Awesome The Rest of Y’All Are Pussy Bitches was signed in Baghdad/New Texas, and immediately after all white American male Republicans’ ball sacks grew three sizes and they each got to tittyfuck their favorite porn star, for freedom.

The Film’s Muslim Children Didn’t Have Tails

For some reason, Eastwood decided to depict evil Muslim children without their slithering demon tails. It’s simple fact that Muslim children have the lower body of a Hell-lizard and that Muslim women have seven-inch fangs, detachable mandibles and can spit globs of inky-black venom at their prey like those rattling neck-fan dinosaurs from Jurassic Park.

Why were these creatures from the 7^th circle of Hell depicted as mere human monsters instead of the actual, obvious monsters they are? Eastwood almost made them look like people, which we all know is absurd.

Veterans Aren’t Real & They Sure As Shit Don’t Feel Sad

American soldiers show no weakness! EVER! And they certainly don't need medical care, psychological help or emotional rehabilitation back on the home front. That's because veterans are a myth.

One day, a solider simply steps off the battle field, puts down his assault rifle, flexes his huge biceps one last time, and spontaneously molts into a quiet 90-year-old man with a million medals who shows up at civic events and holds flags and salutes and makes the crowd feel like The Good Guys again. There definitely aren’t decades of tumultuous post-war life in between these two phases, no bleak abyss of time consisting of horrific mental stress, nightmares, emotional turmoil, substance abuse, and isolation.

Eastwood showed Chris Kyle kinda-sorta having trouble adjusting to life back in America, like only a true Elizabeth Warren-motor-boater would.

We all know Chris Kyle came home on a flaming F-22 and threw trees around like Paul Bunyan and shot a bunch of Hurricane Katrina looters and fucked his wife with his telephone pole dick and never once felt sad, or alone, or regretful, or lost, or broken. Not even for a second.

Where Were The Vials Of Dick Cheney’s Semen?

It’s been reported widely that the most dedicated snipers and defense contractors in the Iraq War would drink vials of Dick Cheney’s smoking, bubbling blood-red semen to steady their hands before they killed jihadists who were definitely always jihadists from hundreds of yards away. Why didn’t we see Bradley Cooper gleefully chugging his hero juice before each kill?

And is it too much to ask to see a traditional shot of proper corpse-handling protocol? We didn’t see ONE defense contractor masturbating onto a flaming corpse of an Iraqi grandmother.

Speaking of…

Where Were The Defense Contractor CEOs & Their Hooker-Filled Jetskis?        

We all know the Iraq War was fought for Freedom and to Make The Middle East Our Bitch.

But what about the heroic defense contractors and gun manufacturers who supplied Chris Kyle with his equipment? What about their bravery and sacrifice?

We didn’t see one shot of a brave Lockheed Martin executive riding on his new hooker-filled jet ski in the French Riviera, the one he bought with his eight-figure bonus derived from booming company stocks in the face of endless wars/growth opportunities.

This is less a factual error than a factual oversight, but still. Chris Kyle was a mega-hero, but that millionaire executive in charge of new business for Northrupp Grumman is a fucking MEGA KING KONG JUMBO-DICK HERO.

Babies Are Real Live Things

That plastic doll was a fucking joke, I don’t care who you are.

John Loos (@Johnlooswins) is the interim editor of The Second City Network. He writes and facilitates for Second City Communications and teaches writing in The Second City Training Center. He checks June Squibb's IMDB profile at least once a week.