Apple Employees, We Know You’re All Lying About the iPhone 6

The newest generation is probably definitely coming, and the best thing about the suspected iPhone 6—if that's even its real name—is the fact that Apple employees are obviously lying when they say they “don't know anything about it.”

Here are the most effective questions for each type of customer to ask Apple employees… so they’ll finally spill the beans about all those iPhone 6 rumors. 

The Speculator

These questions are complete speculation. Be very ambiguous about your sources. Extra points if you make the speculations up yourself. 

“I just read somewhere that the new phone will be have a diamond screen. Is that true?”

“They say its battery is going to be powered by the Moon. Is that why it's taking so long?”

“I heard that this new phone will be called the iPhone Seis because white people are the new minority. Confirmar?”

***For extra emphasis say Steve Jobs would roll over in his grave!!! after each one of these questions, so people know that you knew Steve Jobs. That'll break them.

The Super Fan

Brag about how cool you are, then tag a question at the end.

“I’ve owned every Apple product ever. Can't you just tell me when the next is coming?"

"I still use my original iPhone as an iPod. Will the new iPhone still be an iPod?"

"I used to hate Apple, but now I get the hype. Is the hype worth it on this new phone?"

***Fist bump the employee after these questions. Apple employees LOVE FIST BUMPING.

The Asshole

These questions are merely statements, but when said forcefully enough, they can be perceived as questions. Be an asshole.

“New Phone. I know you know.”

“I have tons of Apple Phone Stock. Don't lie to me.”

“I hate Apple. Since I'm here, you CAN tell me when the new phone is coming out, though.”

***It's very important to laugh after each aggressive question. That way, you seem as sincere as possible. Please re-read the previous three questions and give a chuckle as you listen to your own sincerity.

Bonus Question

If you don't find yourself identifying with just one of these three major groups of iPhone sleuths, you can combine all of the tactics by asking the ultimate Super Speculating Ass question—guaranteed to get you all the information your Apple-shaped heart desires:

“Yo Apple Bitch (fist bump), you work here, so you should know my mom says the new iPhone comes out on when Mercury stops being in retrograde. (Chuckle.) Steve Jobs'll be rolling in his grave! But for real, though. When?”

If you still can't get those employees to stop lying to your face, just check your email. I'm sure you get their emails. We all get their emails.

Shantira Jackson is a Bob Curry Fellow and an upcoming ensemble member in Second City's Urban Twist. She also works at a fruit stand. Follow her on Twitter @tira_son.