Brian Williams Is Worse Than Genocide

Brian Williams is a liar. He lied about being in a helicopter that was fired upon while he covered the Iraq War. He probably lied about seeing dead bodies in the French Quarter during Katrina. He has said repeatedly that he is proud of his daughter.

Nothing is worse than being worried that you're a fraud—nothing but a limp, slightly crooked penis in a suit—and deciding to beef up your journalistic man-cred with some lies about being shot at with an RPG while in a helicopter.

That is the worst thing that can ever be, according to everyone right now.

Here are more reasons why the handsome, dog-leg-left face of NBC News, Brian Williams, is worse than genocide:

He Gave Us Allison Williams

Allison Williams is Brian's daughter. She plays rim job movement expert Marnie on HBO's "Girls" and played a beautiful woman with short hair playing Peter Pan in NBC's "Peter Pan Live."

Incidentally, lots of men on the Internet and some jealous Brooklyn lady bloggers think "Girls" is worse than a mass grave of dismembered women and children, and everyone on Twitter thought NBC's "Peter Pan Live" was worse than hundreds of thousands of Russian villagers being rounded up and burned alive inside barns.

Therefore, Brian Williams (and his sperm) is worse than genocide.

He Sucks At Wearing Waders

When Brian Williams "covered" Hurricane Katrina’s aftermath, he wore rubber waders to show he was "really getting in there," like he was going to find clues in the shit-infused flood waters or something.

He looked a lesbian rodeo clown, which is an insult to all three of those nouns. He might as well have let the Hutus hack the Tutsis with machetes forever thinking he could pull off that look.

His Dumb "30 Rock" Cameos

Brian Williams thinks he's funny. That's almost worse than being a liar, which we've already established is worse than mass extermination of a powerless minority population standing in the way of a government's economic goals.

He would occasionally appear on "30 Rock" and say dumb stuff, when clearly he should've been wading around New Orleans flood waters looking for more clues. He did this, I imagine, to enhance his Cool Dad persona. But's he's not a Cool Dad, or a real journalist, and/or even the second coming of Phyllis Diller.

He is clearly the second coming of Pol Pot Hitler Cheney.

He Claims He Can't Remember 

In a few weeks’ time, Julianne Moore will win an Oscar for playing Brian Williams struggling with early onset Alzheimer's in the sudsy drama "Still Brian." Too bad the entire movie is a lie.

Brian Williams may also have brain damage, but he is first and foremost a liar. One simply doesn't misremember being SHOT AT BY AN RPG WHILST CASUALLY HELICOPTERING.

Clearly, Brian Williams woke up one morning and decided he needed to Be More Of A Man. So he went on Letterman and made a serious face and put us all in a concentration camp of lies.

He Is the Face of Comcast

NBC is owned by Comcast. Brian Williams is the public face of NBC. Thus, he basically is the Flo the Insurance Lady of Comcast. 

We all know Comcast is worse than ISIS and Abu Grahib and Darfur combined, times a billion. And dealing with Comcast on any level is honestly, truly just like digging a mass grave for days and then being shot in the head and having your corpse gang-banged forever. So, Brian Williams is also just like Josef Goebbels, the Flo the Insurance lady of Nazism.

NBC is also owned by GE, which is essentially a defense contractor that makes tons of money from wars that Brian Williams gets to go to and pretend to look for clues and then come back and tell David Lettermen he almost died 5,000 times even though the most violence he saw was when he sat up in bed in his protected hotel and strained his neck when he read a news item on his phone about his daughter Allison getting a hipster tongue up her pooper on national television, because Lena Dunham clearly hates her.

He Likes The New York Rangers

SLOBODAN WILLIAMSLOSEVIC, AMIRITE?!

John Loos (@JohnLoosWins) is a writer, teacher and facilitator at Second City. He checks June Squibb's IMDB profile almost daily.