Bursting the March Madness Bubble Teams

With the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament upon us, the top contenders already have their bracket spots secured. But the appeal of the tourney has always wrested less from the dominance of the Kentuckys and Dukes and more from the scrappiness of the Woffords and North Floridas. It’s these Happy-To-Be-There Underdogs that elevate March Monotonousness into March Madness.

So which lower-tier school will give us this year’s Cinderella Team? The scrubs to figuratively take a brief respite from performing slave labor for their evil step-siblings and literally grab their moment of glory?

By figuratively “wearing a pretty dress for a few hours” before “returning to their torturous lives from whence they came.”

The Licenced Bracketologists here at The Second City Network have looked at the lower seeded teams to find the most likely candidates.

Indiana University of Pennsylvania

With a 20-9 record, IUP had their best season ever. That said, some critics suggest that their record is inflated by their nine forfeit wins against teams that travelled to the wrong state by accident. In fact, in a bizarre twist, their only home loss came against the somehow-more-geographically-confusing California University Of Pennsylvania.

Home Of The Fightin’ Misleaders!

Scottsdale Community College

With 28 losses against only 2 wins, Scottsdale does not have the kind of record the NCAA usually likes in a tournament sleeper. But they do have something the NCAA loves even more: an insane mascot.

The Scottsdale team nickname is the Fightin’ Artichokes, so their team mascot is, obviously, an anthropomorphic artichoke named Artie. While the NCAA likes to present March Madness as a legit competitive tournament, it’s really just a delivery system of a TV entertainment product. The three-week tournament brings the NCAA a whopping $750 Million per year in TV licensing deals, and Artie is clearly ratings gold waiting to be struck. Scottdale could lose by 128 points and it won’t matter, because a few shots of Artie on the sideline will get him trending for weeks. If they make it into the Round of 32, it’s only a matter of time before he’s on Dancing With the Stars.

Their “Go Choke!” chant is both motivating for Scottsdale and demotivating for their opponents.

Police Academy

Incredibly, this group of bumbling (but lovable) misfits made the tournament despite a season that included such setbacks as everyone accidentally ingesting stool softeners before the conference final and that time Tackleberry--incredibly--got his head stuck in a horse’s butt.

How far they advance will depend on whether the refs find Cadet Mahoney’s wisecracking antics charming, or whether they make them yell his name into the air in frustration. Expect Jones to imitate the sound of the ref’s whistle to bewilder the opposition. And then he’ll do a chainsaw sound effect. Or a Jimi Hendrix guitar solo or something. The point is: he’s good at that.

He’s also the halftime entertainment.

Capella University

While Capella was the runaway champion of the newly-formed Online Conference, there is some controversy over whether their self-paced model of gameplay will translate against teams that play in real-time and real-buildings. But if their blowout win against University of Phoenix in the Message Board Invitational is any indication, the Profiteers just may give the major conference teams a run for their money (quite literally, paying money is their sole qualification for making the team in the first place). It will all depend on whether starting point guard Karl Bukowski can get a ride to the game.

Capella: Where Our B.S. Degrees Are Actual B.S. Degrees.

Florida Barber Academy

After a strong season with wins against Coral Gables Technical College and Dade County Driving School, the NCAA has given the FBA Fightin’ Barbers their first tournament invite. But don’t be surprised if they go home in the first round. Many analysts haven’t forgiven their early season loss against Midtown ESL Institute when their top scorer read the bus schedule wrong and was late. An early exit would be a shame, especially considering this is the last year of eligibility for team captain Carl Schultz, who plans to work at his cousin's barbershop after he graduates this spring.

Ned Petrie is a writer and 4-time Canadian Comedy Award Nominee. He is co-creator of the animated series Erik The Pillager (Mondo Media) and the upcoming series Murder House (Blue Ant Media). Ned is also host of The Panel Show, an upcoming pilot for CBC Radio. If you follow him on Twitter, he’ll give you a MILLION BUCKS!