Canada Is Having an Election, Too, You Know

“Eh” there! Heh, that’s just some Canadian humour for you. Sorry. I just wanted to let you folks down in the states know about a real gong show going on in the Great White North! That’s right--you Yankees may be a little preoccupied by your own elections, but believe me, our doodle is a real dandy! Sorry.

Sure, you’ve had your hands full with Donald Trump shouting about illegal immigrants and Ben Carson claiming that German Jews could’ve prevented the Holocaust if only they’d been armed, but we’ve had a pretty wild past four years, too. Try not to spit out your Moosehead when you hear this: the leader of the Bloc Québéqois, Gilles Duceppe, resigned after he couldn’t even win his own riding!

Then, his replacement, Daniel Paillé, resigned.

Then his replacement, Mario Beaulieu, resigned--only to be replaced by…drum roll, please…

Gilles Duceppe! Bloc Québéqois? More like Bloc Québéq-wack! Sorry.

All the while, Ottawa is lorded over by Conservative Party Prime Minister/Aunt Who Just Had a Christening for Her Shih-Tzu Stephen Harper:

But you know all about that, of course. After all, we’re your closest neighbours and biggest economic trading partner on the verge of the largest trade deal in history.

Kidding! Just some more Canadian humour for you there. We know you don’t care. But you could! Because we’ve got an election that’s wilder than a Saskatoon winter. Sure, you’ve got your hands full with Hillary and Bernie and whoever the other Democrats are. But our Liberal Party is making such huge gains that you might as well call them Ron Lancaster!

Nobody? Come on, CFL great Ron Lancaster. He led the Saskatchewan Roughriders to the 1966 Grey Cup over the Ottawa Rough Riders.

Oh, come on.

Meanwhile, oil prices plummet and Harper’s Conservatives are being forced to use their imaginations to keep hold of traditionally stronghold ridings in Alberta and Saskatchewan. It’ll be down to the wire in Ottawa, and we may not know until the late Yellowknife results come in what sort of Parliament the Usher of the Black Rod will be seeing when he leads the Speaker’s Parade!

This is important. Really.

We’ve even got voter scandals! Recently, an Ontario appeals court barred Canadian expatriates who have been living outside of Canada for over five years from voting in Canadian federal elections. It’s an effort to keep long-term expat hosers who have no vested interest in who runs from stocking the ballot box. Sorry.

The ruling resulted in approximately 1.4 million eligible Canadians having their ballots nullified, of which approximately 3,000 were expected to vote.

Hey, come on! That’s a lot of people for us! It’s the principle of the matter, anyway! Jeez. Fine. Here’s a video of Rob Ford doing Rob Ford things.

Sorry.

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Gary Pascal is a writer, comedian and recent graduate of The Second City Training Center's Severn Darden Graduate Program. He's also the co-creator of The Koch Brothers Mystery Show podcast. Follow him @garypascal for fun thoughts, good yuks, and discounted graphic tees.