Celebrate the 4th of July Like a True American

Don’t just have a backyard barbecue this weekend--have the most patriotic, American-est BBQ ever...because when True Americans do things, we do them BIG. Everyone knows this country is changing way too fast, so this year, throw a 4th party that celebrates REAL AMERICAN TRADITIONS.

Plan an All-American Menu!

Instead of cooking, order two of these for each of your guests and plate them stacked on top of each other. Because we all know that two hotdogs, two burgers and two bags of chips is what each of them is going to eat, anyway. But this way, they get to eat it faster! Innovation!

Then, charge your socialist heart attacks to Obamacare. Thanks, Obama!

Or, let the husband choose all his favorites while the wife does all the cooking. We’re celebrating the creation of America, when women did not have a vote.

For even more all-American fun: Invite a starving homeless person over and eat your high-caloric meal directly in front of them while lecturing them about how their poor life choices and moral failings lead them to this teachable moment.

Make the Party Bigger!

Colonize your neighbor’s house! Plant your flag in his bedroom, and throw your dirty tissues at him so you can give him a cold, as well.

Then, honor your vanquished neighbor by naming a team that plays a violent sport after him. Or her.

Relax! Hire a Slave for the Day!

I don’t know if you’ve seen all the support for the Confederate flag recently. This summer, nostalgia and heritage are in! Celebrate your Southern Pride by “hiring” someone to dress up as a slave for the day to serve your guests-- just like it's 1776!

And remember, it's not racist as long as you don’t say the word "nigger"! But say it if you want to! Free speech, nigger!

Water sports!

Baptize all of your guests. America is for Christians, damnit. Baptize your gay guests in two separate pools so they don’t get any ideas. Real Americans don’t listen to the Supreme Court of the United States of America.

Don’t Forget the Chores!

Parties are fun until everyone goes home and you are left to clean up the mess. This year, plan ahead by tasking your children with keeping the party tidy. To incentivize them, create a points system so that whoever does the most cleaning at the end of the day wins a prize.

Build the point system so that it clearly disadvantages one of your children. It’s summer, so whichever is the most tan. Devise the points so that no matter what that one does, she can’t possible win, and then tell her to work harder when she complains about it.

On the 4th of July, let’s celebrate the patriots who fought for their freedoms by fighting against other people having those same freedoms. Because every time we attempt to change America into a “more perfect union” where “all men are created equal,” we fly directly in the face of the patriots who wrote those words down and fought for them.

Happy 4th, Everyone*!

*Conservative white dudes.

Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) is an actress/ writer based in Los Angeles.