Coping With Kitten Seasonal Depression

Kitten season is here— the time of year when cats get busy and make a ton of baby cats.

For that reason, June is National Adopt-A-Cat Month, sometimes referred to as National What-Are-We-Gonna-Do-With-So-Many-Cats Month or National Adopt-Don't-Shop-Wait-Are-Persians-Always-This-Fluffy-No-No-I-Really-Shouldn't Month. During this time, shelters have more kittens than they can handle and will be especially eager for you to call dibs on a cat or two or seven-- provided you are kind, loving and not openly a monster.

However, unless you are in the market for free kittens, the more you think about it, kitten season is more of a bummer than a time for celebration.

Bummer #1: Cats Do What?!??! … Gross!

We create this image of cats as cute and innocent, preferring to view them as a non-sexual entity, like a stapler. But when cats are in heat, we are faced with the reality that they, just like us, would very much like to find someone to hump. In fact, their methods to attract a partner are shockingly similar to ours -- by a) sticking butt in the air or b) yelling intermittently until someone responds to our requests.

How to cope: The best way to get over the uncomfortable notion of horny cats is to be conditioned to accept the fact that a cat will hump another cat if the opportunity presents itself. Go watch videos of cats humping.

Bummer #2: Increase In Homeless Kitties

Life is hard for feral and stray cats. They contend with real adversity (avoiding cars, finding food, etc.), unlike domestic cats who benefit from a level of privilege unknown to the majority of terrestrial animals.

How to cope: Whenever you see a homeless kitten and it gives you the sads, remind yourself of the 1998 Disney film ‘Oliver & Company,’ in which an abandoned orange tabby teams up with a street-savvy Jack Russell Terrier for an animated re-imagination of ‘Oliver Twist.’ Remember that wild subway chase sequence where a Chihuahua drives a scooter while Oliver and Dodger free Jenny from the evil Bill Sykes? What fun. And the cat finds a home. Good things can happen to a homeless kitten.

Bummer #3: The Senior Struggle

At 73, Harrison Ford is pretty old— though he’d probably still be a cool hang. But between the option of senior citizen Han Solo or, say, a young and ripe Nick Jonas, you’re gonna go with Nick for sure. He’s got energy for days. During kitten season, the wide availability of kittens makes it difficult for older cats to find homes.

How to cope: For this one, I think you should just adopt a senior cat. Old cats are already set in the ways and will probably do nothing but sleep on your couch. Cats are known as lazy for a reason. You can think of adopting a senior cat as adding an extra accent pillow for your sofa. So make a difference this kitten season by adopting a decorative pillow senior cat.

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Ray Hui is an ensemble member of Stir-Friday Night! and a 2016 Second City Bob Curry Fellow.