Everything Would Be Just Fine If Only We’d Elect the Property Brothers Co-Presidents of These United States

They say that right now, our nation is more divided than it’s been since the Civil War. Not really surprising, is it? Especially during election season. If you love Bernie, then by definition, you want Trump to not just to lose, but to be shriveled to death in his home tanning bed/meat curing cellar. And if you’re crazy for Cruz, then you’d rather see Hillary in solitary confinement than in the White House. Or the kitchen... HEY, KASICH!

It doesn’t have to be this way. There is such an obvious solution to the Great American Divide, and it’s been staring at us with two identical sets of soulful dark-lashed eyes this whole time.

The Property Brothers.

But!  You retort. The United States Constitution specifically says that two hunky twin HGTV stars cannot be elected to the non-existent Office of Co-President.

Sure; that’s why amendments were invented.

But! They’re Canadian!

So is Ted Cruz. Next argument.

Are they Democrats? Or Republicans? Or one of each?

This is the beauty of it-- it doesn’t matter. On the one hand, Drew and Jonathan regularly exercise their right to having great hair and dressing really well while they help all kinds of families. They seem pretty comfortable (read: liberal) in their own matching skins. And yeah, they’re awesome at picking out tasteful drapery and light fixtures. Your camo-lovin’ Uncle Mitch would probably call them a very not nice name, like…

...Country music stars??? WHAAA?? It’s true. They released a music video a few weeks ago, y’all, featuring plenty of twang, cute kiddos greeting their military father with a big ole “Welcome Home Daddy” sign, a good ole American flag and a mangy ole mutt. (But ZERO black people. Like, not even an extra in the airport reunion scene. C'mon, guys.)

So, yeah. Uncle Mitch *might* be into that. And stainless steel appliances *might* be better than not stainless steel ones.

They bring warring sides together like no other humans ever have

Should the government defund Planned Parenthood? Is it right to now allow all couples who love each other to get married if they choose? Whose lives matter? What do we do about all the immigrants? Wall Street? The unborn babies? IT’S ALL VERYVERYVERYVERYVERY CONFUSING.

Two humble men stand before us all with one simple question:

Do you want an open concept floor plan?

10000000% of America is like, you bet your cute booties we do. Do these guys know how to tear down walls or what?

Consider that whole economy thing handled

These bros are so dedicated that I once saw an episode of their show where Jonathan brought in a puppy trainer for the family rather than blow the hardwood flooring budget on more expensive, pee-safe tile. They’re in it for a long-haul, not the quick fix.

Someone needs to be honest with us as a nation and explain, “Hey, America. If you really want the water thing in Michigan fixed, then you can’t also raise the debt ceiling. The plumbing or the ceiling-- you gotta choose; you can't afford both. But then they’d be like, “Gotcha! We’re the Scott Brothers-- we made it all work--Flint is now sponsored by Brita and has crystal clear water for the next thousand years...and you’ve all got flat screens in every abortion clinic across the country--that only show Fox News!” Again, something for everyone. Love is in the details.

They can literally fix anything

Picture a State of the Union address where Co-Presidents Scott don’t just lay out their plan for sending the country into the future with mere words-- they cut to an interactive 3D model that shows us exactly what things in America will look like in 4-7 weeks, down to the trellis area rugs. Amazing, isn’t it? I love what they’ve done with Florida. Really needed an update.

And before you tell me that they have no experience handling crisis, just stop. I’ve got three words for you: Cloth. Covered. Wire.

Watch our value skyrocket

The brothers are famous for adding value to any property they touch-- and isn’t that what America’s in need of these days? A little merit?

Just imagine if fixing up our Home Sweet Home was as easy as renovating an embarrassingly out-of-date, beleaguered bungalow with good bones and an ever better story to tell.

Ratings gold.

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Liz Kozak (@LizKoz) is editor-in-chief.