Exactly How Donald Trump Would Eliminate Crime in Chicago

Last week, Donald Trump told Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly that—under the right leadership—crime in Chicago could be essentially stopped within one measly week.

Huh?

As even the actual Chicago Police Department has no idea what the Republican nominee for president of the United States is talking about, we had to go straight to the source. Here are Trump’s leaked tactics on how he would rid our city of crime.

Make the best, greatest, most amazing guns ever

Trump doesn’t necessarily want to get rid of guns ... as much as he would like to manufacture them himself. All of them. Just like his many previous investments—including Trump Steaks (defunct), Trump University (closed) and various Trump casinos (bankrupt)—Trump Guns would be the perfect way to reduce crime, as they would no doubt be cheaply manufactured and grossly overpriced and eventually all disappear from the market in a colossally epic business failure. Plus, those firearms would be gaudy as hell.

Take the tough love approach

The presidential nominee said he spoke with a “top police officer” regarding implementing “tough police tactics.” C’mon, guys. This is a man who really knows what tough living is. His proposed daily schedule for all CPD officers:

1. Wake up in the arms of a foreign-born supermodel in a bed of Daddy’s money.
2. Take a brisk jog to the cigar factory. (Fun fact: Trump beat Clinton 63 percent to 37 percent in a recent Cigar Aficionado poll. As if you needed another reason to quit smoking.)
3. Go for a dip in your yuuuuuuge private pool and maybe invite over swim-bro Ryan Lochte while you’re at it. Seems like you might get along.

Hire his infamous friends

It’s kinda like preparing for a new season of “The Apprentice,” isn’t it? Trump’s plans for the total restructuring of city policymakers will no doubt give Chicago the zing it needs to get back on its feet. It’s genius, really. Ted Nugent just makes sense as the city’s new comptroller. Who wouldn’t want the guy who lost his fortune investing in mink farms and Clydesdales controlling the our finances? Or the cast of “Duck Dynasty” sitting on the Chicago Board of Education?

All along the Trump Tower

Finally, the Donald is proposing the installation of a super-mega city-wide surveillance camera high atop Trump Tower. He fell in love with the idea of a fortress controlled by dark magic as soon as he read about it in his wife Melania’s novel, “The Fellowship of the Ring.”

Our future president/city savior’s plans are sure to be warmly welcomed by everyone in Chicago—except for the Chicago Police Department, all city officials, Chicagoans who breathe air and the rats who won’t even lower themselves to feasting on leftover Trump Tower taco bowls.

This post also appears on RedEyeChicago.com

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Diego Sanchez (@diegoinchicago) is an actor and writer who loves horchata, Boystown and Beyoncé.