Goodbye, Lucas Museum? Why Chicago Can't Have Nice Things

It looks like this battle station won’t be fully operational anytime soon.

Due to interference from a special interest group, Mellody Hobson released a statement earlier this week saying that she and her husband, George Lucas, will look at other cities for the Lucas Museum of Narrative Art and Swords that Make Humming Sounds. Chicago loves to ruin good intentions faster than a re-edited Greedo can pull a gun on Han Solo. Here are a few other major opportunities our city has totally blown.

The 2016 Olympics

Hey, remember when Chicago had a chance to host the entire world in a celebration of fair competition and global harmony? Remember how we said “nawwwww” because we were afraid the CTA would be too full of people from different cultures talking about something other than where to get designer cupcakes? To add insult to injury, camera shots from Rio showing the beautiful people of Brazil will be compared to photos of your average Bears crowd, so the world will know it made the right choice.

A speech from our future president

Despite the best efforts of the Democratic party, the Republican party and the Avengers, it looks like Donald Trump could be the next leader of the free world. Chicago had the chance to hear from this joke that’s gone way too far, but we refused to tolerate his intolerance. I’m not saying the Donald’s victim act after the Chicago protest at UIC earned him the presidency … but for the love of God, I’m looking for something to blame.

The Batman franchise

There was a time when Chicago’s penchant for Gothic architecture, corrupt systems and public officials who turn into supervillains allowed it to be a backdrop for a fantasy movie in which a rich, white man actually gave back to his community. We lost the Batman franchise to Detroit, which is a city in such rough shape that it even depressed Superman—a man whose last home is literally exploded debris.

The Super Bowl

Chicago wanted to host a Super Bowl. The problem was that Soldier Field didn’t seat enough people. So after months of arguing, millions of dollars and very loose definitions of “preservation,” our existing stadium got covered in aluminum foil. This safely hid the iconic architecture from public view and—this is the important part—still didn’t add enough seats for Super Bowl consideration. Luckily, Chicago learned the lesson that effort is always a waste of time. As Yoda famously said in "The Empire Strikes Back," “Do or do not ... but Chicago never will, so it probably shouldn’t even try.”

A scandal-free 2016

We weren’t even close.

This post also appears on RedEye Chicago.

______________________________________________________

C.J. Tuor can be seen Saturday, May 7th, performing with the improvised drinking thriller “Hitch*Cocktails” during the Chicago Improv Festival and every Friday night at The Annoyance Theater.