The GOP Guide to Gardening

Now that primary season is well underway and spring is finally here to stay, it's time to start thinking about getting your garden in order. First-timer? Here what's you need to know!

Buy a gun

It’s your Constitutional right. You have to protect yourself, your liberties, and your tomato plants.

Find a sunny spot

One that you can easily drive to in your Ford Expedition. Keep the engine running to display America’s energy independence. “Republicans advocate . . . taking advantage of all our American God-given resources.” That’s straight from the GOP platform.

Buy a few basic tools

A hand trowel is an essential item, as is a rake. Also, a gas-powered tractor, a gas-powered tiller and, of course, that pistol.

Build a wall

Once your garden gets going, all kinds of unwelcome critters will begin to pay regular visits. A twenty-foot electrified wall will deter most of them. Shoot the rest with the pistol.

Fun fact: A wall is a great place to display Old Glory.

Improve your soil

Plain ol’ dirt lacks nutrients for growing vegetables, so you will need to buy bags of Miracle-Gro or similar products. Also, digging up the dirt will provide you an opportunity to check for petroleum--which, while technically not a vegetable, can get your heart beating like a pump in an oil field when you think of the possibility of fracking in your own backyard.

Decide which vegetables to grow

Mostly, you will want to choose those that pair well with steaks or ribs: potatoes, jalapeño peppers, ketchup. Remember, Reagan argued that ketchup was a vegetable. Plant some ketchup for the Gipper!

Wage a War on Bugs

Pesticides are your allies in this fight. Use them liberally generously.

Get your entire *traditional* family involved

Gardening is a great way to model the virtues of a one man-one woman marriage and instill in your children the kind of work ethic that’s required to succeed in free market economics. Those who don’t work--don’t eat.

Water the most beneficial way

The old saying goes, “Water the roots, not the leaves.” Because of this belief, many gardeners prefer perforated hoses in an attempt to gently moisten the soil. This is wrong. The proper way to water is spray the leaves from above so that the water trickles down.

Join a gardening club

These are great places to meet other folks who like to talk about abortion, the value of a strong military, shrubs, and the way that Obama has run this country into the ground.

Hire a gardener

You know, someone who will do the actual labor and pick the vegetables. Ask the waiter at your local Mexican restaurant if he can recommend anyone! ¡Vamos a jardiner, Pedro!

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Tom Shadwell (@TomShadwell) is a comedy writer living in Indiana. He has studied improv, sketch writing, and satire at The Second City Training Center.