Hey, Apple… But You Can At Least Unlock My Dad’s iPhone, Right?

I’d like to give a special shout-out to the California federal judge looking out for my dad.

It takes a truly considerate hero to order a drastic change to Apple software, giving the FBI better access to iPhone personal information across the board.  I know this court order isn’t a done deal—and that Apple CEO Tim Cook will take it to the Supreme Court over privacy mumbo jumbo—but it’s nice to see that consumer rights aren’t going to trump my pops getting a second pair of eyes working on that lock screen.

They say these are momentous times. That the decisions handed down in this case are going to have legal ramifications for years to come. I couldn’t agree more. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve had to remind my father that he doesn’t have to sign off his text messages “—Dad”? I know who you are, Dad. You’re a Boomer that needs a little helping hand with your phone. From someone who is not me.

With Big Brother getting one foot in the back door, an entire generation of aging communicators might be able to tap, swipe and yell at their phones without calling their kids for tech support. No longer will “Safari” have to be explained as a web browser, and not an advertisement for an actual safari. Never again will Siri be derided as “that broad—boy, she’s got a mouth on her.” I mean, if you’re a federal agent listening in, you pretty much have to say something while you’re hearing this stuff, right?

Couldn’t Tim Cook just take a page from Bill Gates? Bill just broke ranks with the other Silicon Valley giants on the issue to endorse compliance with the government. See, Tim?! Bill gets it. This has nothing to do with his rivalry with Apple. Nope, when you’re relying on a less trendy, older demographic to mistakenly buy a Windows phone, you start to appreciate the needs of your elders.

Also, what is Apple so worried the government is going to see? Uh-oh! Investigators now have a direct glimpse into the sheer volume of photos this older gentleman has of that dog from down the street (gotta be into the thousands). But bigger picture? Dad figured out how to open his photo album unassisted. That’s huge! One small step for man, one giant leap for slightly older, somewhat more offensive mankind.

For the first time in a long time, I have hope. I can picture my father, 20 years from now, right before he’s about to take a dangerous tumble down the stairs. Federal martial law-empowered timecops rush in and catch him just in the nick of time! Right before they use their precognitive time abilities to map out his next six fall locations so he can avoid them, sync it with the behavior-altering iMemory chip federally implanted in his brain, deduct 12 punitive credits directly (as is outlined on page 1063f of his Apple terms and conditions), and give him a kiss on the forehead before flying off for a meeting with General Bono. Yep, the future looks pretty great.

And hey, if none of this works out, there’s always Android, right?

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