Hey Boko Haram: You're Doing It Wrong!

Everyone's favorite Nigerian shit-stirrers, Boko Haram, made (minor) media waves recently for a (minor) slaughter that left somewhere around 2,000 villagers (minorly) dead. The unfathomable massacre was briefly noted by Western media outlets, then promptly shrugged off so we could return to our regularly scheduled coverage of France's battles with terrorism and Golden Globe dresses.

Boko Haram! Dudes! You're doing it wrong. If you want to run with the media-darling big dogs like Al Qaeda or ISIS, you need to change your tactics. I bet you're wondering, if the horrific slaughter of 2,000 people can't make the West care about you, what possibly could?

Listen. You caught our attention with #bringbackourgirls. It was the perfect, shocking crime to satiate our unique Western style of faux-concern (it's like regular concern, but with more Instagram filters and "I" statements). So, it's clear you're sufficiently evil, completely irredeemable and all things awful, but you're also having trouble packaging your hateful fuckery for Western media.

Here are a few tips:

Make Us Care

The Western media is only going to care about you if you threaten the comfort of white people, or pose some existential threat to America's economic goals. So, for the love of God, stop killing Nigerian villagers. In fact, you don't have to kill anyone!

Just do something to disrupt the fragile bubble white people live in, like hack the Twitter for Argo Tea or take a selfie while driving an UberX, and we'll be both OBSESSED and HORRIFIED with you.

Word Choice Matters

The Western media doesn't care when you kill villagers because the word "villagers," in our xenophobic little pea brains, means "not really people." Same with the words "poor" and "Muslim."

Basically, to the Western media, the people you're slaughtering are the trifecta of "not really people." We cared when you kidnapped “schoolgirls,” because schoolgirls are definitely people, because “schoolgirls” is also a word rich white people use to describe their daughters.

Inversely, being a poor Muslim villager is, like, the exact opposite of Jennifer Lawrence, the only thing we care about.

Amp Up Your Social Media

Again, Americans by nature don't care about anything that's not popping up in multiple friends' newsfeeds. Because then we feel pressured to also Say Something so we look like properly concerned Good Persons, and no one likes to be left out of a good Concern Orgy. Plus, we get all those SWEET SWEET LIKES! ("Likes," if you don't know, are like the online version of arcade tickets. If you collect a trillion, you get a keychain!)

In other words, we refuse to care about anything without first considering how it's going to enhance the careful online persona we've been crafting for years.

Is caring about Boko Haram attacks "on brand" for me? No one else has expressed an opinion, so what if my opinion goes against the hive mind? What's in it for ME to care about the horrific, ungodly slaughter of 2,000 innocent villagers?

Go Full Meryl Streep

And get Out of Africa. Western media, as a whole, doesn't care about 97 percent of what happens in Africa unless a white guy with no legs kills his girlfriend. Sometimes we care about Egypt, because rich white people like to visit the Nile.

Basically, we don't care about Africa because Africa is not Jennifer Lawrence. So maybe get her as a spokeswoman?

#Give #Us #A #Good #Hashtag

We only care when hashtags tell us to, like #kony2012 or #bringbackourgirls or #jesuischarlie, but we can only care for so long because Beyonce always be dropping new tracks and our gnat-like attention can only be held for so long. Have you heard 7-11? What do you think? Her best song or her absolute best song?

Fun Outfits

Boko Haram, you not only exist in a moral abyss, you exist in a style abyss. Really, you look like cartoon bad guys from an 80s action flick. Try the sleek "executioner/Marina Abramovic-at-a-bird-funeral" style of ISIS or the "Indiana Jones extra" look of Al Qaeda. Nigeria is known for bright and bold fashion. Embrace it!

Speaking of clothes, did you see Emma Stone at the Golden Globes? She looked AMAZ-

SEE? AMERICANS ONLY CARE ABOUT PRETTY OUTFITS!

Go The Fuck Away

Actually, strike all the other suggestions. The absolute best thing you could do, for the world, for Nigeria and for yourselves, is to go the fuck away.

Think about how you'd be hailed in the media and remembered in the history books if you suddenly, collectively put down your guns, declared you were no longer Boko Haram, apologized for everything you've ever done, and then started rebuilding the villages you've destroyed and then dedicated the rest of your lives to peace, helping those less fortunate and strengthening your communities. You'd be the first terrorist group in history to make such an about face, and everyone would be talking about it for, like, at LEAST two or three days.

You'd be heroes. You'd be superstars. You’d get a keychain. You'd be Jennifer Lawrence.

John Loos (@Johnlooswins) is the interim editor of The Second City Network. He writes and facilitates for Second City Communications and teaches writing in The Second City Training Center. He loves Mary Steenburgen references.