How an Improviser Would Realistically Spend Dat $1.5 Billion Powerball Jackpot

With Wednesday night’s Powerball jackpot up to 1.5 billion dollars and counting, everyone who doesn't hate money is buying tickets. At only two bucks a pop, it’s pretty much the only investment someone “working” in comedy can afford. While it is very, very unlikely that an improviser will be the big winner— it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t fantasize about how you’d spend all that cash.

Paying your parents back

No, seriously. Pay them back. After years of shelling out thousands of dollars so you could attend up to four different training centers at one time, it is literally the very least you could do. They were planning on using that money to put you through medical school at a middle-tier Midwestern university. Or to take a nice trip to Sanibel Island. Or to remodel their master bathroom. Not paying for improv classes.

Never taking public transit again

At least in the dead of winter. Remember that time you rode the ‘L’ to a midnight show in sub-zero temperatures and you made a deal with God that if you could just survive this endless ride on the Red Line with a creep, then you’d never masturbate again? It didn’t feel good to break that promise, did it? Well, worry no more. Soon you’ll be arriving to shows in sensible style in your used Honda Civic, and you’ll actually be able to afford all the parking tickets you inevitably accrue.

Enrolling in extra comedy classes and workshops

“Applying Commedia Dell’Arte Principles to the Modern Poop Joke” will *definitely* come in handy when you make it big! You’ll probably tell some charming anecdote about it on Kimmel one day. Worth it.

Investing in proper performance attire

Stop at an Anne Taylor LOFT, a Nordstrom Rack, hell, even a regular Nordstrom (you’re rich now!) and buy some sensible dress pants, a skirt, even a pair of kitten heels. Who cares if the pretty window display at the Anthropologie across the street distracts you and you leave to buy 1,000 teacups with kitty cats on them? You can swing it!

Eating at Chipotle five times a week instead of three

Get that guac. You know it’s extra. You’re worth it.

Seeing a gastroenterologist to cure your E. coli

See above. No free clinic or discount urgent care center for you! No sirree, Bob! You’re going to a doctor that only takes the expensive Obamacare.

Stop using your “emergency” credit card paid for by your parents

Yes, finishing your beer before intermission IS an emergency, but now it’s one you can pay for yourself. 

Treating your teammates to a fancy dinner

The best time to ask for an honest evaluation of your worth as a team member is after plying your colleagues with the finest wines, meats and cheeses.

Ordering GrubHub while drafting an email to the bank explaining how you’re having  a cash flow problem and really can’t pay your credit card balance this month

They’ll understand. They’ve dealt with lottery winners before.

Good luck, potential future billionaires. Remember, you’ve been broke before, so it’ll be okay on Thursday morning when you’re broke all over again.

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