How Christians Can Drink Hot Beverages Out of Heretical Containers

As a straight, white, Christian male, I am exhausted by the 3% of American society that doesn’t bend over backwards to meet my preferences. Starbucks recently got my Judas goat when they started offering beverages in holiday cups that offered no religious symbols like crosses, pine trees or snowmen.

Sure, the cups are bright red, but that isn’t enough to satisfy my need for a non-secular Salted Caramel Mocha. When the liberals demanded products to honor gay rights, Oreo didn’t just change to rainbow frosting, they festooned the cookie packages with two adult males making love...I imagine.

If you are an evangelical that is thirsty for justice and burnt coffee grounds, here’s how you can drink Starbucks products out of cups that dishonor your beliefs:

Use a straw

Just imagine your mouth is stubborn theology and your cup is modern society. There is no need for the two to ever meet.

Draw your own religious symbol

Grab a Sharpie and start decorating the drink with dogmatic doodles. You can take your pick: draw Chi and Rho together, the laurel wreath, or the shell and water droplets of baptism. Any of the images you are surely familiar with because you’re so concerned with accurate depictions of Christianity.

Pour into a holier container 

Buy your Starbucks beverage at Satan’s favorite franchise, but immediately pour it into a Tim Tebow memorial mug. A container emblazoned with the image of God’s favorite quarterback is the Holy Grail of Christian cups….well...except for...ya know...

Loudly proclaim your protest as you sip

With every sip, yell as loud as you can about how outraged you are by the cup. Sure, Jesus said to close the door of your room when you praise god, but if “novelists” can use Starbucks to show off things they should be doing in private...why not the faithful?

Turn the mermaid logo into the Virgin Mary 

The most traditional Christmas activity you could partake in is to appropriate another culture's myths. So just change the story to say Joseph and Mary were a couple of fish-people who couldn’t get room at the aquarium’s tiny castle so they had to give birth in the treasure chest.

Holify your drink

Dump some holy water and communion wafers into your beverage to holify it. Place a cracker in and watch the coffee do to the Lord’s body what the caffeine is doing to yours.

Stop buying them

Use your money to voice your beliefs. You should utilize any chance you can to tie religion and commercialism together. Remember how excited Jesus was to see money changed in the temple?

One final note: There are those saying most Christians aren’t outraged by the Starbucks coffee cup. They suggest the whole scandal was started by a handful of crazy people and the media took the story from tall to grande.

This, of course, is nonsense. There are millions of people who base their beliefs on holiday promotional containers. Just because you can’t hear or see them, doesn’t mean they’re not there. You just gotta have faith.