How Super Tuesday Is Probably Going to Shake Out

It’s here. Super Tuesday. The SEC Primary. The Holy Grail of the presidential race. There will be caucuses, primaries, delegates, super delegates, super-plus delegates, light flow delegates, red states, blue states, old states and new commentary on the hairstyle of the only woman in the race.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the mechanics of this most vaunted day in politics, here are some insider predictions about how Super Tuesday 2016 will likely shake out.

Prediction 1:

Your former prom date-turned-current Wall Street trader will take to Facebook to declare that he's above silly ideological rhetoric and that the only “rational” option is a Bloomberg presidency. Also, he'd like to remind us that #AllMaleBankersMatter.

Prediction 2:

Disconsolate sports fans caught in the lonely fog between the end of football season and start of baseball season will spend their Tuesday calling into AM talk radio to discuss the issues that define this campaign— like the economy, religion, presidential birth certificates, if women are too “cry-y” to be president, and how the next president could break the Cubs’ Curse of the Billy Goat.

Prediction 3:

You’ll receive a mass email from James Kystolski (that guy in college who majored in Women’s Studies for morally dubious reasons) that includes shaky footage of his mind-blowing weekend at the “Bern-ing" Man Festival and an appeal for donations of $5—$3 to Bernie Sanders, and $2 to his Kickstarter for a bean-bar chocolate business/hoverboard studio.

Prediction 4:

Your local used car dealership will have a SUPER TUESDAY SUPER SALE so you can lease-to-own a safe, reliable and SHOCKINGLY affordable Honda Accord to transport your whole family to Canada in the event of a worst case scenario come November.

Bonus: The dealership will throw in an AMERICAN-sized package of Canadian prescription drugs with every order!

Prediction 5:

Your conservative uncle will open a Twitter account solely for the purpose of trolling your progressive dad who will open a Twitter account solely for the purpose of trolling your conservative uncle. Follow them at @UnclesForTrump and @BernInHellLittleBrother.

Prediction 6: 

Most of us will follow Super Tuesday with a mix of apathy and annoyance reserved for those who see that the inevitable decline of the West is upon us. Speaking of which, "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" airs on Tuesdays, so actually, most of us won’t be following Super Tuesday at all.

_________________________________________________

Jessica Besser-Rosenberg is a Chicago-based writer, improviser, and stand-up comedian and performs regularly at iO. Follow her at @JessGBR.