How to Laugh in Japanese

Four Japanese businessmen in suits were sitting around a table, their eyes focused on me and my cat-with-the-canary-in-its-mouth grin. They were students in my ESL class, and, at that moment, I felt myself to be something bigger than just an English teacher--I was a cultural ambassador.

I, and I alone, would impart upon these four businessmen what humour in the west was like, and they would love it and tell their friends. And their friends would tell their friends, and basically, Japan was about to experience a comedy revolution! Delusions of grandeur... Don't mind if I do!

My first piece of humour for these men was Chris Rock's famous line, "We don't need gun control; we need bullet control!" The stoic response that I got from the four men told me quite plainly that they didn't understand it. So in my infinite wisdom, I thought that the best way to make them understand was to say it again. A little more slowly. In teaching circles, this is known as the Doofus Method.

I went on and explained the concept. Still, there was just silence. After a few seconds, one of the men said, "That's a good idea." Another man said, "Why do Americans like guns?" A third man said, "Bullet control? Is he a politician?" The fourth man didn't say anything. Having no interest in discussing the matter further, I thought I should move on to another joke.

Hmmm...Chris Rock is a little heavy. Let's try the late, great Mitch Hedberg. "Dogs are always in the push-up position." Silence. "Okay. Think about how you look when you're doing a push-up." They nod to show understanding, but with the eyes of people whose nerve is being tested. "Now, think of a dog. Picture it. Now picture yourself doing a push-up again. See! A dog does kind of look like you when you're doing a push-up. Funny, right?"

"I don't understand. A dog can't do a push-up."

"This comedy doesn't make sense. It's not funny."

"Doesn't make sense? How about this? I like the escalator, man. Because the escalator can't break, it only becomes stairs."

Nothing.

They scrunched up their faces to imply that I had stolen bits of time and energy from their lives that they would never get back.

"Okay, if that's not funny. Take this haha torpedo from the great Stephen Wright: ‘Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.’”

I almost felt like bowing after delivering this classic comedy nugget. Again, nothing. One confidently says, "That's true. What's the point?"   

My mind starts racing. What is a go-to laugh? Norm MacDonald's "It's me, Bob!" joke may work, but it's kind of long and dark. I could try some Henny Youngman, but I couldn't think of any of his jokes at the time. Even if I could have, which one would make these guys laugh? I decided to pull out a joke I heard from someone a long time ago.

”Okay. A man goes to a supermarket and picks up some butter, eggs, tomatoes, a couple bags of potato chips and some milk. He goes to the counter to pay, and the cashier looks at his items, then looks at him and says, "Are you single?" “Yeah. How did you know? "Because you're ugly!"

Finally. A small chuckle from two of the four men.

"Thanks for laughing guys. Finally." And I exaggerated my effort by wiping fake sweat from my brow. At this, all of them laughed.

One man replied, "Is that joke about you?" A classic zinger. The four of them laughed really hard, and eventually so did I. Then I said to them that I have always been scared of silence when talking to people, and I asked them what their biggest fear was. This resulted in the four of them making an exaggerated thinking sound in unison. I repeated the question. "What are you most scared of?"

The first man to answer said, "My wife." Without a hitch, the others erupted in laughter.

The second man then said, “Me, too. My wife."

The third man also said, "My wife."

By this point, the classroom was in uproarious belly laughter--the type that I had hoped to achieve when I entered the room. Finally, the fourth man also said, "My wife." It wasn't even funny at that point, but the laughing continued.

I still have no idea what the joke even meant, but they all got it, and that made it funny. Maybe they didn't get it, but their laughing is what had me in stitches.  "Do you guys like comedy?" I asked them. Their response was quiet and non-committal. "Do you like any English-speaking comedians?"

"Charlie Chaplin."

"Mr. Bean."

I had a feeling they were pulling my leg. I started to laugh, and they laughed along with me. "Those guys don't talk!"

They laughed even harder.

Wes Armstrong is a Canadian teacher and writer based in Osaka, Japan. He is currently teaching English at various schools and Japanese companies around Kyoto and Osaka, Japan and is a comedy writing student via The Second City Training Center's online classes.Wes aspires to make people laugh for the rest of his life. Follow him on Twitter @mrstoneycreek.