How Your Co-Workers McShame You at Lunchtime

Seems like everything’s getting shamed nowadays: bodies, sluts, selfies, tattoos, Drake. But one of the oldest (and least publicized) forms of shaming is people eating McDonald’s for lunch while at work. Or in public at all. We’ve dubbed it “McShaming.” Here are the top five things people think as soon as they see you with something festooned with those golden arches.

Your body will soon resemble The Grimace’s

Even after just one McMeal, your so-called friends and co-workers will assume you’re slowly turning into a pear-shaped eunuch, complete with drowsy gaze, purple skin and adult-onset diabetes.

You have at least 756 cheeseburger wrappers on the floor of your minivan

People automatically think you’re a scatter-brained mess of a slopmonster with a hoarder mentality. And we are, thank you very much.

You really just went for the toy

You know the food is meh, but you’re really into the new Avengers movie and want to collect. Them. All. Every single cheap plastic figurine. You *will* go back multiple times to get them all and nobody’s making a Black Widow action figure, and that’s COMPLETE BULLCRAP. And you just said that all out loud, and your cubicle mate is slowly backing away.

You like eating weird shapes

A chicken doesn’t come in a nugget varietal; a fish isn’t born a square; an apple pie certainly doesn’t come in a brick. You probably drink wine from a box, drive a Nissan Cube, and your favorite song is "Triangle Man" from They Might Be Giants.

You know your seasons by your shake flavor

Pumpkin for Halloween; eggnog for New Year; Shamrock for St. Patty's, and the Dulce de Leche (read: plain-ass caramel) in the summer. If you don't have a shake in your hand, your co- workers will knowingly jest, "Come on! Get in the spirit of the season!" Really, they just want to see you wolf down another flavored sludge as they live vicariously through you, because they have “restraint," "self control" and "abs". McHaters.

Also read: An open letter to your cubicle-mate who eats McDonald's for lunch every day on RedEyeChicago.com

Eric Schinzer is one half of BATTLEMASTERS, performing a brand new show every Thursday at the Public House Theater. Follow him @schinzer.