Keep Your Library Away from Our South Side

Dear Mr. President,

After much speculation, you and your foundation announced that the Barack Obama Presidential Center will be located on the South Side of Chicago. As a born-and-raised South Side resident, my initial reaction was to feel pride and honor. But it pains me to say that after further thought and deeper soul-searching, I think I speak for all South Side residents when I say, “Nah, bruh. We good.”

I don’t think you’ve clearly thought through the implications of the decision and how it will affect the South Side’s street credibility. And though we think the Obama Library would bring a lot of amazing things to the South Side, it will also bring a lot of white people. And that’s a deal breaker.

I’m sorry, but you are too universally liked. We have worked so hard to virtually create a white people force field, and the presence of your library will undo so many years of that work. We all know that presidential libraries are a big hit with the Middle Class White Family tourist circuit. Your library will make the South Side seem WAY more white-friendly than we care to be characterized.

You see, all South Side residents are sworn to secrecy about what the South Side really is: a minority utopia filled with culture, seasoned food and people with lots of rhythm. A world without parking meters. Cops. White feelings. A real-life Gullah Gullah Island. I fear you will be forfeiting this secret by placing your library here.

Do you know how many fundraisers we had to throw to raise enough money to pay all the actors we hired to scare white people on the Green and Red Line? You think real thugs have time to just be hanging out all the time? No. They’re Columbia College theatre majors.

Do you honestly think gun violence is really as bad as the news makes it out to be? Of course it isn’t. There are no grocery stores on the South Side; we don’t have the sustenance for all that running and shooting. It’s fabricated to create fear. Why do you think we have separate New Year’s Eve TV specials? Why do you think the Taste of Chicago starting getting dicier and dicier every year? We saw that Whole Foods in the South Loop. Too close for comfort. We had to send a warning.

History has repeatedly shown us that if too many white people congregate, terrible things happen—Manifest Destiny, slavery, Wrigleyville. We do not want the South Side to be a casualty of Columbusing, and we are positive that is what will happen if we make the South Side more appealing to white people. Look at what happened to rap, twerking, and Jesus Christ— all great things that turned super mediocre when appropriated by white culture.

WE REFUSE TO LET THAT HAPPEN TO THE SOUTH SIDE.

So though the gesture is very appreciated, we would like to pass. We stand very strong in our opinions, and there isn’t anything you can say to change our minds….unless you tryna use your presidential power to put  Living Single on Netflix. Then MAYBE we can talk, because that show is everything.

Think about it.

Dewayne Perkins (@dewayneperkins) is an understudy to The Second City Touring Company and makes up half of the duo Bleep that Bleep. He spends his time spreading social awareness through praise dance and long Facebook statuses. See more at dewayneperkins.com.