Later, Seder Haters: A Passover Primer

Passover 2015 (or 5775 if you’re old school) begins the evening of Friday, April 3rd. Whether you are a Seasoned Sederer or a Goyish Gefilte, here are some hot tips to get you through your Passover.

LATER, SEDER HATER

The first night of Passover begins at sundown with a seder. During seder, we fulfill the requirement of telling the story of freedom from slavery and the exodus from Egypt. If this story seems unfamiliar to you, I recommend The Prince of Egypt.

We follow along in a book called the Haggadah.  In it, we recall the story of our ancestors in Egypt; we put ourselves in the shoes of the enslaved and oppressed. This year, we could probably just close our eyes and pretend we are in a Paris grocery store, or Indiana.

I’m not going to lie to you– seder can be long, like five hours long with a meal shimmied in there for sustenance. Just remember, the point is to suffer. That is literally THE POINT.

JUST PRETEND YOU’RE PALEO

On Passover, many Jews abstain from eating anything that rises– like bread. That’s because when we were leaving Egypt, we had to GTFO before Pharaoh changed his mind, and our bread didn’t have time to rise. So we eat matzo. There are 1000 other rules about what we can and cannot eat on Passover, so to simplify, just pretend you are Paleo. Eat like a hunter-gatherer, or, a recently-freed slave from Egypt who is about to spend 40 years wandering around the desert. Now remember, you can’t spell “dessert” without “desert,” so sweeten up your Passover with some paleo-friendly macaroons.

SHOP AHEAD FOR THE HOT OP-ED

Every year, a new exciting commentary hits the Jewish intellectual circuit and you do not want to be left behind. It’s essential to argue on behalf of your favored editorial with your Dad’s friend Ira for at least 45 minutes while everyone patiently waits for the seder to continue.  Immigration reformation and its ties to the Passover story? We read those LAST year. This year, anyone who is anyone is reading up on Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s Passover supplement from the American Jewish World Service. Who run the world? Girls. More specifically, RBG.

MASTERSEDER JUNIOR

At every Seder, the youngest person at the table must sing “Ma Nishtana,” or the “Four Questions.” It’s the slowest, longest, wordiest song whose traditional tune seems to be in a register meant only for an adult. But since the youngest must volunteer as tribute, everyone gets to watch a kid (going through puberty) sweat their way through this ditty. The advantage is if you are youngest, you are a front contender for a prize after dinner called the “Afikomen.” Aging out of consideration for the Afikomen is akin to early onset menopause. So keep yourself fresh and looking-young for your seder. I highly recommend juice fasting: your skin will glow and you will get to complain about being hungriest for dinner… a high honor at our table.

GET TURNT

A large part of the Passover Seder is fulfilling the obligation of drinking four glasses of wine. This is commonly many Jewish youths’ first experience with getting shit-faced. Nothing like having to ask your Bubbie to hold your hair back while you barf in your Aunt Barbara’s powder room. She has so many tiny perfume bottles. Who could possibly need so many tiny perfume bottles? These are questions you don’t need to worry about at seder, so pace yourself and stay hydrated with one bowl of matzo ball soup per glass of wine. And remember: Manischewitz is 50% wine and 50% sugar. You will feel disgusting the next day no matter what.

GEFILTE FEAR

Want to fit in at seder? Stop being weird about gefilte fish! We are proud of our deep shtetl roots and pungent foods. What’s so sketchy about three kinds of fish ground together, mashed into cold patties, and eaten with horseradish? Nothing. And if you want to keep up, you better be ready to have a hard opinion about that horseradish. You like it spicy or you like it sweet, no judgement, just know what you want before you get in the game. And if it really does weird you out, then just think of it like fancy sushi that can be served in many acceptable shapes and is the color of fingernails.

MATZO? MATZAH?

It doesn’t matter how you spell it, we hate it no matter what. We just eat so much fucking matzo on Passover. It gives us digestive problems, and we as a people already have complicated relationships with our GI systems. Don’t ever choose it from a bread basket at a restaurant if it isn’t Passover. This shows you are a rookie. We do our best with it for eight days. We make matzo pizza, matzo and eggs, chocolate covered matzo, you name it. We are all just doing our best; please don’t try and make us feel better by calling it “basically a cracker.”

 Jo Feldman is a member of The Second City Touring Company. You can follow her on Twitter @hellojofeldman.