Let’s All Make Peyton Manning’s Past Disappear Just Like It’s a Delicious Slice of Papa John’s Pizza

Super Bowl 50’s winning quarterback Peyton Manning had his past come back to haunt him this week as court documents from a case where he allegedly sexually harassed a former trainer revealed that the real Manning is probably corrupt, manipulative, racist, sexist and a liar.

Or, as the sports world likes to view him, a champion.

The American public thrives on victory and holding athletic “heroes” to the very highest esteem, no matter how horrible they are under all the sweat and testosterone. If you can run fast, jump high, or do anything that reminds people of their father’s approval, then you can do no wrong off the field. And the more endorsement deals you have, the more of a monster you can be behind closed doors.

Jeez, Manning has stake in Papa John’s franchises, is a spokesperson for Nationwide Insurance and has appeared in commercials ranging from Oreos to DirecTV…so who knows how many skeletons he truly has in his closet?

This is nothing new. Every great athlete who sells out usually has a track record of horribleness. Tiger Woods. Hulk Hogan. Kobe Byrant. Ben Roethlisberger. Just about half of the MLB roster. Even Michael Jordan. You can commit just about any offense, criminal or moral,and you’ll be forgiven…if you can still shill out deodorant or fast food.

So why do we allow this to happen so often? Well, athletes are capable of doing a lot of things most fans could never do themselves. So when they tell us to buy things, we do— in order to have some sort of connection to victory. That’s why when you look around a game, you see people painted head to toe in the colors of their chosen teams, living and dying by every play. The minute you stop to realize that the idols you’re rooting for are capable of evil, greed or corruption is when you actually humanize someone you just bought a $60 jersey to embody.

Can’t handle that truth? Swallow it down just like your favorite smiling player does— with Gatorade. After all, everyone secretly knows it’s the drink of choice to refuel after committing murder.

The masses shall continue to observe blind loyalty. The evidence of Peyton Manning’s past will disappear into nothingness faster than a delicious slice of Papa John’s signature speciality pizza. In the end, we can always just be grateful that the victim in question wasn’t a terrier, because then we’d have to think about it more.

Instead, let’s continue to ignore the heinous realities that loom around so many sporting legends. Instead, look towards the clean records and careers of other public figures, like R. Kelly, CeeLo Green, John Lennon, Bill Cosby, Charlie Chaplin, Woody Allen, Steve Jobs, Elvis Presley, Laura Bush, John Wayne...

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Martin Morrow (@martinMmorrow) is a stand-up comedian and member of the Second City Touring Company. He’s been seen on NBC’s “Last Comic Standing” and Comedy Central’s “Why? with Hannibal Buress.” See him Wednesday nights in Afro-Futurism on the Second City e.t.c. Stage.