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Dear Homo naledi,
We are so pleased to learn of you and would like to welcome you the the human family! Humans have been extremely busy in the last million years or so. We would love to quickly catch you up on what we have been up to:
4000 BC: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
3100 BC: Humans start making pottery.
3000 BC: Aliens gift humans with a calendar.
2500 BC: Humans decide that horses belong to them now.
2400 BC: Humans begin using war chariots to more easily kill other humans.
2200 BC: Humans put large stones on top of other large stones.
1450 BC: Humans kill an entire culture of other humans for the first time ever!
1250 BC: Humans go to war against each other.
866 BC: Humans begin to torture other humans.
700 BC: Humans begin to worship the rapist Zeus.
648 BC: Humans go to war against each other.
512 BC: Humans go to war against each other.
460 BC: Humans go to war against each other.
431 BC: Humans go to war against each other.
399 BC: Considered the greatest philosopher of his time, Socrates is killed by humans for not believing what they did.
395 BC: Humans go to war against each other.
326 BC: Humans go to war against each other.
323 BC: Bye, Alexander the Great!
298 - 142 BC: Humans go to war against each other eight separate times.
28 AD: Jesus wept.
54 AD: Nero begins to reign over other humans. He killed his own mother and was, frankly, a terrible actor.
533-1683 AD: Humans go to war against each other 30 separate times.
1162 AD: A human named Genghis Khan becomes responsible for the deaths of 40 million other humans. His DNA is still in 8% of current humans due to his staunch commitment to rape.
1250 AD: Humans begin using gunpowder for celebrations.
1364 AD: Humans begin using gunpowder to make killing other humans easier.
1684-1441 AD : Humans go to war against each other a shit ton of times.
1441 AD: Humans from Europe sell and keep humans as slaves.
1454 AD: Humans go to war against each other.
1455 AD: Humans go to war against each other. Maybe over roses? Trust us, it was important.
1483 AD: A human “discovers” the Congo River, uses it to better steal and sell humans as slaves.
1492 AD: Christopher Columbus sails the ocean blue. Then he and his men kill millions by disease alone. Then he sells humans as young as 9 years old as sex slaves.
1509 AD: Christopher Columbus’s son begins to govern over people, complains his slaves don’t work hard enough. Also, humans went to war against each other.
1524 AD: Humans from Cuba sell and keep humans as slaves.
1529-1574 AD: Humans go to war against each other five separate times.
1573 AD: A human is burned alive for eating four human children.
1600 AD: Humans go to war against each other.
1602 AD: Humans go to war against each other.
1607 AD: British humans create first permanent home in America. If you aren’t counting the humans that lived there for thousands of years.
1617 AD: Humans from Bermuda sell and keep humans as slaves.
1618 AD: Humans go to war against each other
1619 AD: Humans from the American colonies sell and keep humans as slaves.
1634-1791: Humans go to war against each other 31 separate times.
1829 AD: Humans become serial killers for the first time. Mostly white, male humans.
1849 AD: Humans get real weird about gold.
1914 AD: Humans go to war against each other. Like, all of them.
1919 AD: Humans go to war against each other. Twice.
1920 AD: Humans wearing whale bones stops being popular.
1933 AD: Hitler’s reign over other humans begins, during which he was responsible for the death of upwards of 20 million other humans.
1939 AD: Humans go to war against each other. Like, all of them.
1945 AD: Humans use nuclear bombs to kill millions of other humans in the blink of an eye. Twice.
1946-1954 AD: Humans go to war against each other six separate times.
1955 AD: Humans go to war against each other. American humans still trying to say they won that shit.
1971 AD: Humans go to war against drugs.
1979 AD: Human Lisa Frank started a company and cocaine habit. Also, humans went to war against each other.
1980 AD: Bye, disco.
1980 AD: Humans go to war against each other.
1982 AD: Humans go to war against each other.
1992 AD: Humans go to war against each other.
1991 AD: Humans go to war against each other.
1998 AD: Humans go to war against each other.
1999 AD: Vladimir Putin begins his reign over other humans. We humans are still afraid to write anything bad about him.
2001 AD: Humans go to war against each other.
2003 AD: Humans go to war against each other.
2004 AD: We saw Janet Jackson’s booby.
2005 AD: Humans got real weird about zombies.
2006 AD: Humans go to war against each other.
2008 AD: Humans go to war against each other.
2012 AD: One human eats another human’s face.
2015 AD: Humans have to be told that #blacklivesmatter.
Welcome to the family!
XOXO,
Humans
Alan and Claire Linic are committed dog parents. Alan tours with the Second City Touring Company. Claire’s first book will be coming out in 2016 through Skyhorse Pub. You can find all of their fights at @Wefoughtabout.
