Let's Celebrate Groundhog Day by Watching Matt Lauer Interview an Agitated Rodent

Some national observances are downright lackluster. Consider Arbor Day: the holiday that should have just remained a trifold brochure. Or President’s Day, when we honor the births of a few (but not all—sorry, Marty Van B!) presidents with modestly discounted Kohl’s washcloths. Then there’s Flag Day. How did this Lowe’s garden center sale of a holiday sneak past security?

Groundhog Day stands in refreshing contrast, rearing its beady-eyed head every Feb. 2 to say, “Congratulations! You’re one year closer to never achieving your dreams. To celebrate that time is a flat circle, watch Matt Lauer interview this agitated rodent.”

Sadly, this furball of meteorological messiness comes but once a year, reminding us of our mortality and our nation’s woefully lax animal labor laws. But don’t let Groundhog Day’s depressing “Looper”-esque magic die come Feb. 3! With this list of never-ending, mundane personal hells, you can observe its sullen, Sisyphean antics all year.

• When ordering a drink at Starbucks, tell the barista your name is Persephone. Or Arlene. Or John. It really doesn't matter. The daily result will be identically indecipherable, though your unquenchable longing to be truly known will only grow with time. Never quit your daydream that the part-time coffee slinger you know only as “Tall Glasses” will know and care for you, you beautiful unicorn.
• Ask your sister to please not tell your mother about the suspicious mole you recently had removed. By the laws of sisterhood, she will immediately inform on you. Here comes a decade of quivery-lipped six-minute voicemails full of secondhand Dr. Oz advice!
• Become a die-hard, lifelong Cleveland Browns fan. Perennially remind everyone around you that “this year will be different,” despite tidal waves of crushing empirical evidence to the contrary.
• Watch every televised awards show in full. No social media, viewing parties or fast-forwarding allowed. Only the monotonous drone of breathless, WASPy thank-yous to 37 unspecified Alans.
• Stay one season behind on "Game of Thrones." Insist on two things: constantly talking about the show at the office, and absolutely no spoilers.
• Got kids? Each time they watch “Frozen” (six to 37.5 times daily), try to pinpoint the *exact* moment when, three years into a frustrating animation project, an exhausted Disney artist chuffed, "I don't know, guys. What if we just make Prince Hans the bad guy? No, I KNOW we don't have time for rewrites, Jerry! It's for children, no one will notice."
• Purchase a pickup truck. Now, you’ll fill each and every weekend with rugged adventures—like helping your friend move, helping your co-worker move, or helping your co-worker’s friend move.
• Send an email to everyone in your entire office with the cryptic subject heading "Trump?" and watch the replyallpocalypse rain down a Hades of HR destruction.

Note: If you see your shadow during these activities, there will be six more seasons of Kardashians.

This post also lives on redeyechicago.com.

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Brooke Preston (@bigu) is a comedy writer and storyteller. Visit brookeprestoncomedy.com.

Wanna watch the movie "Groundhog Day" with the actual guy who produced Groundhog Day?! Come to the inaugural ArcLight Presents...Second City Second Wednesdays. For tickets and the current line-up of movies and speakers, click here.