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Americans honor their forefathers by giving other Americans tiny pieces of paper decorated with said forefathers in exchange for different goods made by tiny Taiwanese hands. Not getting your hands on these Presidents’ Day Deals is the literal equivalent of William Henry Harrison not getting his hands on a jacket—you will most definitely die of pneumonia in a month.
So why don’t you…
Drive Off in a Brand New Car
Be a patriot. Sign your John Hancock, and bring home a new Patriot by American-owned, American-made Jeep—a division of Fiat Chrylser Automobiles, headquartered in…London.
Sleep on a New Mattress
Four snores and seven years ago, during your proper years at university, you could literally sleep on the ground after a night of debauchery with your fellow scalawags and rapscallions and then wake up and run a drunk 5K. Now, if you don’t get eight hours, you’re as vexed as Congress mid-filibuster on a bill about whether or not Congress officially recognizes filibustering. And if you’re having trouble sleeping on your new mattress, just think about the aforementioned situation that has actually happened in a real session of Congress. G’night.
Take on a Bathroom Remodel
Marble bathtub with free installation? Yup. #TaftInATub
Go to the Mall
Federalists and Democratic-Republicans alike will tell you the importance of frills and flair, as well as pantaloons, and many-buttoned jackets. Take advantage of department store deals today, especially ones at kiosks that offer graphic tees adorned with any previous POTUS in Ray-Bans.
Upgrade Your Tech
Tech is always a hot category during Prez Day Dealz, from new speakers to car GPS systems to laptops, which, despite what Thomas Jefferson claimed to have seen at a World’s Fair, is not a top for your lap.
Buy American
President Hoover signed the Buy American Act of 1933 into law in an effort to stimulate domestic businesses. In less than 24 hours, every single shanty in each Hooverville on the White House lawn was filled with an utterly insignificant amount of rations harvested from right here in this great country. Do something great this Presidents’ Day. Be like Hoover.
Tim Ottolin is a writer, performer, and professional person. He is sorry he forgot to wish you a happy birthday this year.
