Live a Dope Life with the Help of Big Pharma

The pharmaceutical industry in America has made the over-prescription of medications a very lucrative practice. Despite the Obama administration’s newly announced initiative to help fight this “exploding epidemic,” it is because of prescription drug abuse that American citizens are truly able to maximize their weekend enjoyment. Here are some tips to help you take full advantage of the system:

1. Tell your doctor you’re having trouble sleeping. She’ll give you Ambien. You’ll have a good snooze and wake up fresh the next morning ready to have a productive Saturday.

2. Tell your doctor that sleeping well is causing you to stress out over what to do with the day.  Now she’ll give you Xanax. After a couple of beers, you’ll black out. And that’s really how weekends are meant to be spent.

3. Tell your doctor you have a headache from all of the recent blackouts you’ve been inexplicably experiencing. She’ll prescribe some Vicodin to take care of that.

4. After a month of daily Vicodin use, you’ll probably have a pretty good tolerance built up. You need something stronger. Tell your doctor your arm hurts (reminder: smash your arm in a car door). Now she’ll give you Oxycodone. Do you know how to freebase?

5. You can’t go back to your doctor. Time to resort to the streets. Thankfully, the pharmaceutical industry lets pills flow freely in affordable areas. Yep, your best bet is to move out of your apartment to save money. Steal outdoor gear from Walmart and sell it for half the price so you can afford the good liquid morphine. Probably just share needles with Tito so you can cut one expense in half.

6. Don’t worry. Three months in the big house for breaking and entering into that Waffle House really isn’t that bad. Also, were you too high to realize they’re open 24/7?

7. Out in no time! Go back to your doctor and explain you have a crippling pill addiction that has ruined both your personal and professional life. She’ll prescribe you some Methadone. That’s fun stuff.

8. LEAVE THE BODY. GO. JUST LEAVE IT THERE. NO ONE SAW.

9. You should probably check yourself into rehab.

10. It’s great that you’re finally clean and on the straight and narrow. Have you considered going back to school? You may as well get an Adderall prescription to keep those grades up.

______________________________________________________

Russell Godfrey is a comedy writer from Mississippi, now based in Los Angeles.